Has Bumble Ruined Dating?
I recently came across this blog about how Bumble has ruined dating. You can read it here:
As I read it I found myself agreeing with every statement. As I stepped back I realized some of what the author wrote isn't correct. Bumble and dating apps have worked for LOTS of people. I'm sure the statistic is out there but I'd bet 25% to 50% of couples between 25 and 35 years old met on an app or dating site. Apps and websites are wonderful for people that have an idea of what they're looking for and ready for a relationship.
There's no doubt dating has changed over the last couple of decades but there’s a bigger factor at play. Dating like most things in life is a numbers game. Sure, there are some legit soulmates out there but for most people beyond 25 years old and out of college it's all about potential mates. The more opportunities for potential mates the more likely someone is to find a compatible partner.
When it comes to dynamics of dating, the numbers game has dramatically changed for females. There are more quality single females than there are quality single males for those females. This is the biggest factor by far. There are still good guys out there but smart women that are ready for a relationship are snapping them up. These aren’t perfect guys by any stretch, but they are good guys that can make a successful relationship. Perfection doesn’t exist.
There's a great book called Date-onomics that dives into the issue. If you're serious about dating and finding a man it's a great read. They key issue is women are outnumbering men in college. Since 1982 more females have received college degrees than males. This has continued every year which means at it's core there are more college educated females under 40 than college educated males. If you're a woman with a college degree wanting a man with a college degree there's not enough males to match up. Add in the hookup culture and men being in demand so men have learned they don't have to settle down with one woman. I'm not defending those guys but the book dives into why that is as some of it is biology. If you're a single female in your 30's the book is not a warm and fuzzy read but it is eye opening and helps bring some color to the issues of dating in your 30's. If you're serious about finding a man in your 30's I think it's a great read.
Here's an easy link to it on Amazon:
In addition to the numbers skewing against females the apps and sites have skewed expectations dramatically. This is where I agree with the author. People are looking for the PERFECT partner and believe they're just a swipe away. That's not the case. I suppose there are perfect partners out there but the reality is you're looking for someone that's compatible more than anything. Someone you can have fun with and make you laugh. At least that's what you should be looking for. Finding those people requires a reasonable level of work and some sacrifice. If you truly want a man doesn’t mean it’s settling. It’s changing expectations to reality.
Sadly, most people on dating apps don't want to work or sacrifice. They just want to swipe and hope the perfect mate comes along. That expectation just isn't going to happen. Especially when the numbers are skewed against you.
Where I also disagree with the author is when she says Bumble has made a generation of men lazy. There’s always been lazy men when it comes to pursuing women. Bumble and the apps have certainly made lazy men lazier but those guys were always lazy to begin with. The apps have just allowed them to get laid because the numbers skew in their favor. If it wasn’t Bumble it would be another app so you can’t totally blame Bumble here.
There's still good guys on the apps but you just have to be able to spot them. They might be a little older, divorced, or even have kids. Guys that truly want to get married more than likely found someone in their 20's. Guys that just want to play like they did in their 20's continue into their 30's with no real intention of settling down. Sure, some will change and settle down but the longer you stay single the harder it is to make sacrifices which is part of a successful relationship.
The author also mentions she wishes more guys would ask girls out. Believe it or not it's REALLY hard for a good guy to ask a girl out in person. Especially in this day and age. Rejection sucks and it's even worse in person. It's hard for a good guy to muster up the courage to ask a girl out that he doesn't know. Hell, it's even hard for a guy to ask a girl out he knows and has a crush on for fear of her rejecting him. Rejection sucks. Females don't like it but neither do males. Remember, I’m talking about good guys and not creeps or dbags. Creeps and dbags hit on women all the time but that’s probably not what you’re looking for.
Because of the numbers and dynamics of dating today it's imperative a woman make some kind of move towards the RIGHT guy. Guys suck at reading women. Because of this there has to be some give and take. A woman needs to show signs of interest. It's okay to send the first note or even a follow up note after a good date. The guy needs an obvious sign you really truly enjoyed your time and didn’t just say that at the end of the night.
When I was on the dating apps I had two basic rules – 1) The date needed to be extended by more than one drink. I preferred to meet for drinks as I found it was more casual. Anyone I would date long term wouldn't mind having a drink or two. Maybe it's ice cream or coffee for you. Whatever it is there needs to be some sign that both sides aren't in a hurry to go after finishing whatever it is in front of them.
My second rule was this – 2) The girl needed to send me a text thanking me, saying it was great to meet me, or even better she'd love to get together again. I would ask at the end of every first date if they wanted to get together again so the door was open. Everyone always says yes but you never really know for sure. Maybe I missed out on some girls that were interested in me. However, I feel like every time a girl was interested in seeing each other again I'd get some kind of note showing a level of interest. Silence meant no interest.
I'm a stupid male but those two rules worked really well for me to help determine if someone was truly interested. Dating became a beating and I didn’t want to waste time on anyone that wasn’t truly interested in me.
I fully agree a women shouldn't be doing all the work. She should be nudging but not pulling. When she finds herself pulling she needs to cut that rope she's pulling with. Good guys will take the queues of the gentle nudges while lazy guys will just see how much they can get away with without doing any work. There’s a difference.
Women also need to look at dating like looking for a job. If you went to a top-notch college you probably realized when a coveted job posting came up there were lots of other highly qualified people applying. You had to do something to make yourself stand out from the other candidates. You couldn't just drop your resume and hope to get an interview. Your resume had to stand out with something unique or promising. You also couldn’t go through the motions in your interview. You have to be different. Dating in your 30's is no different.
The truth is a LOT of girls on the dating apps look exactly the same. They all have the same photos where they're dressed up with their gal pals along with the same boring selfies. That's why some guys are so lazy is because everyone looks the same. They have no idea what's reality and what's made up for social media. It's so confusing. Most guys don't give a shit that you're some kind of international traveler and it looks like the paparazzi follows you wherever you go. The lazy guys are just swiping right on any female that looks halfway cute because all the females are the same to them. Seriously. You’re a bigger commodity than you think.
Every person is going to be different in what they're attracted to. If you want to attract someone that's more compatible with you then post stuff that is real about you. Show a regular photo of you doing something real and normal. The more real you are with your profile the more likely you are to attract someone you're going to mesh with. If your profile is a fantasy of yourself you’re just going to attract the wrong guys.
My final thought on Bumble has ruined dating is this - Like with everything in life it's more than likely an external factor is not 100% to blame for one's issues. A lot of the times the issues one is having rests with themselves. Not always, as external factors certainly play a part in life's struggles but personal decisions tend to have a bigger impact. When a person is honest with their circumstances and chooses to make adjustments to those circumstances the better off they'll be. Magic will never happen on it’s own. You have to change your approach. Work smart along with make some sacrifices.
There are good guys out there. Even on the dating apps. Try something different in noticing them. Leave the lazy guys alone for another girl to waste their time with.
If you want to learn more about dating in your 30's here’s an 8 minute video that breaks it all down. Don’t gloss over what kind of guys live inside the Vortex. That part is real. Those guys may be fun and exciting but they’ll never get you out of the Vortex which is a strong relationship.
If you want out of the Vortex you have to quit chasing the wrong guys. You also have to figure out how to stop doing the things females do wrong that are mentioned. There's no magic way to do it as every girl is different. If I had the answers on how to stop females from doing these actions I’d be a millionaire many times over. All I can do is create awareness for the Vortex and what happens inside of it. It’s up to each individual to realize the mistakes they’re making and work their way out. That is, if they truly want out.
Here’s the video:
Here’s the link to the detailed theory if you’d rather read it: