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What's Up with Bachelor Colton?

So our good friend Colton was named The Bachelor this week. I’m not completely surprised since the other choices were pretty lame. Blake couldn’t do it without his mom being on set which the producers wouldn’t agree to and Jason might be a little too smooth and mellow to truly be entertaining. That seemingly left Colton and Jordan. With Jordan looking fully committed to deal with Jenna’s cocaine fueled excitement and anxiety that pretty much left Colton once he cut the cord from Tia.

I know a lot of females don’t like Colton as The Bachelor but I’m okay with it. I would have rather had Jordan but Colton has potential. Jordan would have probably been the most amazing Bachelor ever but we don’t deserve him. Damn you, Jenna. My problem is I can’t figure out what to make of Colton because I think there’s one of three things at play with him:

  1. He’s actually gay and is either in denial or doesn’t realize it.

  2. He’s the first Bachelor that is a full work of the Producers.

  3. He’s just that lost in life.

I’ll touch on each of those in a bit but let’s get to what we generally know about Colton. I haven’t been to the Deep Internet on Colton but maybe you have. Colton is 26 and lives in Denver where he likes helping hospitalized children. A very noble cause no doubt. Obviously he’s a virgin and dated Aly Raisman for a period. As for his football career I’d never heard of the guy and found out why. For some reason I thought I heard he played quarterback. Come to find out he played linebacker and tight end in NFL training camps. He played college ball at Illinois St and signed with the San Diego Chargers as a free agent. He basically bounced around NFL training camps for a few seasons taking some pre-season snaps but never even lasting on a practice squad during the regular season. He certainly never came close to playing in a real NFL game as he wasn’t ever on an NFL practice squad during the regular season. Needless to say his football “career” wasn’t much at all.

Basically, he hasn’t done anything of real substance when it comes to a real professional career since he graduated from college. Seems he’s trying his hand at being a reality star. This makes sense considering he doesn’t seem to have any discernible skills and isn’t interested in having a basic life. Can’t really blame him since the opportunity has presented itself. Gotta chase that “Insta Life” while you can.

Let’s get to what’s at play with him. I’m not the only one that thinks Colton might be gay. I’ve heard this from others as well. There’s NOTHING wrong with Colton if that’s the case. Seriously. Gay is okay. He’s indicated he’s not saving himself for marriage and just hasn’t had the right opportunity with the right female. At one point he said he was so dedicated to football he wasn’t focused on females. Um, Colton, athletes get laid all the time. I must imagine he’s had plenty of females interested in getting horizontal with Colton. If he’s a one-man woman there’s no doubt he could have had a long term girlfriend by now. No doubt they were lined up at Illinois St for him. Maybe he heard JJ Watt didn’t have a girlfriend so he could focus on football. If that’s the case Colton failed miserably. He’s no JJ Watt and never appeared he would be anything like JJ Watt. JJ Watt played at a major school and was drafted in the first round. Plus, JJ now has a smoking hot soccer player along with his football accolades. Colton is going on the Bachelor as the first male virgin. Major advantage to JJ but something still isn’t adding up with Colton. I don’t think Colton was following the JJ Watt path to the NFL.

Something else about him being potentially gay is how he handles the whole virginity thing. He’s REALLY STRANGE about it. He’s 26 and good looking with a decent personality. He seems really insecure and uncertain what to do about it. He doesn’t know how to address it and thinks it’s a big thing that needs to be disclosed. It really doesn’t. It’s almost like he uses it as a guard to keep women away. He certainly doesn’t own it like Tim Tebow. In his discussion about it with Becca he mentioned how it was awkward in the locker room. I’ve never been in the locker rooms he’s been in but the locker rooms I’ve been in there wouldn’t have been an issue. Sure, some guys might have tried to give him a hard time but he would have gotten lots of support from most teammates. Generally locker rooms are more supportive than they are cruel unless there’s something really wrong with you. That comment alone made me wonder if he was confusing being a virgin and being gay.

He was also weird about going to the fantasy suite. Becca was fully aware of him being a virgin. She would have handled it like an adult had she wanted him there with her. There’s just something amiss in how he handles being a virgin. It’s totally cool if he is gay as he shouldn’t feel ashamed. Maybe this is all one big ruse for ABC to introduce the first gay Bachelor. Seems like some people are having fatigue with The Bachelor. Maybe this is the franchise going out with a bang or trying to shock the system. It’s more likely he’s not gay and just lost but if he is it wouldn’t shock me at all.

If he’s not gay he could be a total pawn of the producers. I think this is the most likely as I don’t think he’s as dumb and naïve as he pretends. The whole thing with Tia was a set up by the producers I’m convinced. Most of his time on Becca’s season his storyline was prodded by producers I believe as well. The repeated discussion about the virginity was just too much. I think he would have naturally left it alone. If he was that insecure about it he would have never gone on the show. I think he was just following queues by the producers hoping to keep people engaged.

When he broke the news to Becca at dinner on their one on one Becca was WAY too dramatic about it having to step away from the table. I think Becca in real life would have said it’s totally okay and kept the conversation going. That was producer driven in my mind. At their hometown I think the producers told Colton’s dad to tell Becca he needed to be cut. Maybe his dad is really that controlling (which will get to next) but I think the producers could have made his dad the bad guy. That gave Becca an easy way to cut him. It also took the heat off Tia which was HIGHLY manufactured it seems. At Hometown Rose Ceremony he asks Chris Harrison about the fantasy suite and being a virgin. That seemed forced as well. The whole hometown episode seemed like a set up to get Colton off the show without placing the blame in the wrong spot. Colton wasn’t for Becca but the producers were setting Colton up for something bigger.

Not surprisingly, Colton then shows up to Bachelor in Paradise renewing the Colton/Tia storyline. He appears to not like her at first but then gives in and becomes her “boyfriend.” After a couple of weeks of being her “boyfriend” in a Mexican resort he decides it’s too much and wants to go home. A normal guy would have rode that out to get a free Mexican vacation and then broke up or blamed distance once off the show. I think he could have also told Tia he wasn’t feeling it but they should stay and have fun together if she could handle it. Tia would have been like, “Yeah dude. Let’s milk this thing for all it’s worth. Free sand, sun, water, food, and booze? I’ll stay for pretend sake.” I don’t know that Tia was ever truly into Colton. Their “breakup” was really weird especially when she told him, “I want you to take your time and figure yourself out so you’re ready for the next girl.” That’s paraphrased but while being broke up with Tia told him to get ready to focus on someone else. Um, that’s not how most female’s brains work when they like someone. No offense ladies, but when a fella you’re REALLY into tells you it’s not there you don’t generally wish him well with someone else. At least not the females I know.

To me this scenario is the most likely. The producers have been running a long con getting Colton to be the Bachelor. They’ve been building this long story arc so there is a lot of intrigue going into Colton’s season. It’ll be fine if so but it’s definitely not natural and organic like avocado toast.

Even if you don’t like Colton you have to admit you’re interested to see how his season plays out because of all the story arcs that have been built. Don’t act like you’re disappointed Colton was named the Bachelor because you don’t think he’s really interested in finding true love. The only recent guy that seems like he was truly interested in finding true love was Arie and everybody hated him. Arie was lost and made a TON of mistakes but his intentions on finding true love appear to have been real as he’s still with Lauren. Yet, everybody still hates Arie for the most part. Nobody really wants anyone on this show to find true love. They want tears and drama! Admit it.

If Colton is neither gay or a product of the producers then he’s just completely lost in life. Maybe how his dad was on Hometowns is real and he’s controlled every facet of Colton’s life until now. Colton is out on his own just trying to figure this thing we call life out with no real clue. Well, other than helping disadvantaged children. He’s got that going for him.

Little Lost Colton could make for some REALLY interesting television. Maybe he is a little lost puppy dog and the Bachelor is the perfect thing for him to find true love. He does have some Arie in him. Maybe he’s just chasing social media fame because football didn’t work out for him. He doesn’t want to go get a real job. He’s going to see if he can parlay being a reality star into some way to make money like Jordan Rodgers in football or Robby from Jojo’s season on social media. Maybe he leverages it into a lucrative real estate career in Tulsa with Chad Bear. Maybe he teams up with Luke Pell and creates the next great country bro duo. Step aside Florida/Georgia Line. Here comes Luke and Colton! The reality world could be Colton’s oyster waiting to open up and reveal pearls. Not likely but it’s possible.

If this is the case the producers will stock his pond full of girls that are just as lost in life but enamored with his good looks. Even if you don’t like Colton the person you’d still be all smitten if you went out one night looking for attention and a guy that looked like Colton started hitting on you. If you don’t admit that you’re lying or you’re the one that’s gay. His looks will flat out bring out the claws from ladies vying for his attention. They’ll be short on personality and brains but long on crazy and drama which will bring tears. And let’s be honest the only reason we watch this show is for drama and tears. Drama. And. Tears!!!

Everyone just needs to cool down and give Colton a chance. There’s some promise for THE MOST DRAMATIC <INSERT THING HERE> as our friend Chris Harrison likes to tell us. If you want to watch something that’s about real romance and true love go watch the Hallmark channel. At least I hear that’s what’s on that channel…

If you don’t believe Colton will be a good Bachelor here’s a picture of him shirtless.

Still feel the same way? Didn’t think so.

If you want to watch something that will either make you laugh or offend you about why single women in their 30’s tend to stay single feel free to watch our 8 minute research thesis here.

We’ll be blogging about Colton on the Bachelor so if you want to read those blogs feel free to like our Facebook or Twitter pages. We’ll post those episode recaps each week.

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