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Bachelor Colton - Week 2

January 15, 2019

 

In Week 2 of Colton’s season the producers get back to The Bachelor basics.  No more stupid “LIVE” audiences and just what we want.  23 women competing for the heart of one man who has no clue what he’s doing in life.  This.  Is.  Why.  We.  Watch.

 

Before I get to this week’s episode a couple of general things on Colton:

  1. Virgin Fatigue with this guy is real.  It’s a unique hook and storyline but WE ALL KNOW HE’S A VIRGIN.  I’m sure the producers are trying to find the right mix with Colton and the girls to discuss but it’s already a beating.  I can’t figure out if this season is about finding real love or trying to get someone laid.  I know, it’s all about social media fame but some of us like to pretend it’s about true love.  Maybe it is about just getting laid now.  Either way let’s stop discussing him being a virgin.  It’s tiring.  We want drama and tears.
     

  2. I still think there’s a chance Colton is gay.  A couple things from this episode stood out.  When he talks about his virginity he discusses the challenges of being a virgin as an athlete.  Tim Tebow blazed that trail LONG before Colton ever thought about it.  Being a virgin in sports totally okay thanks to Tim Tebow.  In this episode he tells the story of the veteran in the locker room asking him how many girls he’s slept with.  When Colton said none the guy totally respected and supported his decision.  I’ve said this before - locker rooms are generally more supportive of the people in them than they aren’t.  His excuse of being uncomfortable in locker rooms because of being a virgin doesn’t make sense to me.  Nobody questions if Colton can get laid.  He might have been uncomfortable with something else that has kept him from sleeping with women.

    In this episode they bring out a comedian I’ve never heard of but Colton seem to be aware of him and liked him.  I know the candidates lie all the time about knowing who the person is but maybe Colton knows who this guy is.  I’d never seen the guy before but it took about 30 seconds to realize this guy is gay.  When they’re talking, the comedian accuses Colton of being gay and Colton says nothing to dispel it.  Chris Harrison was just there laughing along.  Maybe everyone is on the reality he’s gay or maybe everyone is in on a big joke to make the audience think he’s gay.  If he’s gay it’s totally okay.  There’s just some things that make one pause to if Colton is gay or not.  If people know he’s gay they’re doing a remarkable job of keeping it under wraps though.

    Maybe he just has an overbearing dad that made Colton afraid to get laid for fear it would hurt his football career.  I guess we’ll find out when Colton brings the girls home.  Assuming he doesn’t bring home that gay comedian fella instead.

Let’s get on to this episode.

 

First Group Date:

 

Colton takes some ladies to a theater where they’re tasked with telling uncomfortable stories in front of an audience.  This is where Colton tells his story of realizing it was okay to be a virgin in a football locker room.  Highlights from the date:

  • During their presentation in front of the audience Demi decides she’s going to kiss Colton in front of everyone.  She does this to the dismay of all the other girls.  Demi does not care what anyone else thinks.  She has her eye on the prize.  She knows how this competition works.

  • In the theater we get a brief glimpse into what a train wreck Tracy is.  More on this later.

  • After the theater we hit the cocktail party and Demi picks up right where she left off in the theater.  She takes Colton alone first.  The other girls are still in dismay and gasping about how forward she is.  Um, ladies, she took the initiative to kiss Colton in front of hundreds of people.  She has no fear.

  • Trainwreck Tracy becomes more upset about Demi’s move thinking Demi is immature and not playing by the rules.  There are no rules, Tracy.  Stop being intimidated by a younger girl. 

  • Demi comes back from her time with Colton and waves the rose in front of everyone acting like she just earned it.  This sets Tracy off even more because Tracy feels COMPLETELY DISRESPECTED by Demi touching that rose.  Seriously.  This chick is crazy.  She’s 31 going on 41.  If she doesn’t get her shit together the next decade is going to fly by with no man in her life.  The 30’s Vortex For Single Females is strong with this one.

  • Colton and Elyse get some alone time where Elyse basically tells Colton she might be older but she can do things to him those younger girls have no clue about.  Colton is ALL ABOUT some Cougar action.  Technically 31 on 26 isn’t Cougar action but it’s close enough in this scenario.  Colton is giddy at the thought of an older woman.  Too bad Tracy can’t figure this out.

  • Colton gets some alone time with Hannah G who got the first impression rose.  Colton says something about her reminding him of home.  By home he means he likes girls that look like Barbie dolls.  We’ll see how this plays out but I think Hannah G has a big bag of nothing.  The first impression rose doesn’t have the same meaning to a guy that it does to a girl.

  • Colton gives the date rose to Elyse because his penis told him to.  Colton is still giddy thinking about what Elyse might do to him in bed.  Maybe he’s not gay after all.

One on One with Hannah Alabama:

  • Hannah Alabama gets the first one on one with Colton and to make it even more special it’s her birthday.  She’s no longer 23.  She’s 24 and all growed up.

  • We learn how evil the producers are when not only did Miss Carolina and Hannah Alabama compete against each other in the Miss USA pageant but they were ROOMMATES!!!!  ROOMMATES!!!  To make it even worse they apparently had a falling out during or after the pageant.  The producers don’t care about people’s feelings and only about our entertainment.

  • Colton and Hannah Alabama arrive at some desolate place where there’s horses.  They go on a horse ride where Colton asks Hannah, “Have you ever seen rock formations like this?”  showing off what a worldly traveler he is.  Hannah responds with, “I think so.  Is this like Arizona?”  This is a SUPER DEEP DISCUSSION between the two of them.

  • Colton making amends for never holding hands with Becca on the camels holds Hannah’s hand on the horse in the most awkward way possible.

  • They arrive at their destination in the desert.  They have a VERY awkward champagne toast for Hannah’s birthday where she’s at a loss for words other than Roll Tide.  Is this the best the state of Alabama really has to offer the beauty pageant circuit?  Colton seems a little disappointed by the lack of engagement by Hannah.  Not to worry though as Colton has a trick up his sleeve – a hot tub in the desert!  Shirtless Colton in a hot tub is a surefire way to get a woman to open up.

  • Unfortunately for Colton, being shirtless in hot water doesn’t open Hannah up.  They have some awkward conversation and hand holding.  Apparently they don’t even kiss.  That’s right.  Two attractive people are alone in bathing suits in a hot tub and they don’t even kiss.  Not a good sign for these two love birds.

  • They leave the desert and head for dinner on some ship.

  • They have some awkward conversation about Hannah’s insecurities and some other stuff my brain has fortunately forgot.  Colton tells her he wishes she would open up.

  • Hannah asks Colton why he’s a virgin so we get that song and dance one more time.  Ugh.  Hannah then tells Colton she banged some fella she was dating and feels terrible about it because now she can’t give a fella what she wishes she could offer him.  Such is life, Sweetie.  Colton’s probably wondering what Elyse might do to him while Hannah’s blabbering about that nonsense.

  • Colton decides to give Hannah the rose since she opened up.  The reality is she’s attractive and since it’s the first one on one he doesn’t want to be sending home an attractive girl unless it was a total train wreck.  Hannah did nothing to earn that rose other than smile.

  • Hannah tells Colton this has been the best birthday ever.  Awkward activities and conversations be damned.  I guess she’s used to roller rink parties or dinners at Golden Corral back home in Alabama for her birthday.

Second Group Date:

 

For the second group date a select group of ladies head to Camp Colton.  This is really a pretty boring date as the girls divide up and play camp games to see who gets to stay with Colton.

  • The best part is Chris Harrison pulling up with the gay comedian.  I really want Harrison’s job.  His whole bit is to subtlety introduce drama and story lines.  He’s a pro at it.  I covered the gay comedian trying to out Colton about being gay which Colton basically plead the fifth.

  • The winners get to spend the night at the camp.  When the losers go back to the house the other girls get extremely jealous.  They think someone is going to get intimate with Colton since there’s an overnight stay.  Um, ladies, Colton is a 26-year-old virgin.  I don’t think he’s going to bang someone for the first time in a group camp setting.  Maybe I’m wrong.

  • The one girl that also looks like a Barbie doll that’s never been kissed tells Colton she’s never been kissed.  Of course, Colton thinks it’s cool and respects it since he’s a virgin.  They talk about how intimate kissing is.  Apparently, they’ve never been in a bar at 2:00 am to see just how intimate kissing can be.  Only problem is Colton is now utterly confused on if he’s supposed to kiss her.  He opts not to.  Make it special for her.  Camp Colton is not the place.

  • Colton then walks the girls their cabin which is next to his.  A real gentleman he is.

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony:

 

The cocktail party and rose ceremony were pretty uneventful for the most part other than a few things.

  • Demi is CLEARLY a producer plant as she breaks up Trainwreck Tracy’s time with Colton wearing a robe taking Colton upstairs to her room.  The other girls freak out because it appears Demi is trying to seduce Colton.  We then learn Demi has her dress on under the robe and was just giving Colton a massage with his clothes on.  Genius play by the producers and Demi.

  • This sets Tracy off who completely craters even worse than the previous social.  Tracy locks herself in a room and cries her eyes out.  She then complains about Demi some more.  Her insecurities are showing big time over a younger girl.  31 and just riding the Vortex in a circle.

  • Demi then goes into the room to talk to Tracy.  She basically tells Tracy she cares about her feelings but she doesn’t care if Tracy can’t handle Demi’s actions.  On camera Demi owns Tracy’s ass telling everyone Tracy needs to worry about getting a damn rose herself and not what Demi is doing.  She’s EXACTLY right.  This show has shown time and time again when you’re more worried about another contestant as opposed to the candidate you are toast.  Boggles my mind how people come on this show not knowing this.

  • The only other real excitement during the rose social is when that girl that likes to interrupt people’s time with noise breaks out an airhorn.  She does it repeatedly and it gets old.  The other girl fights back with some pots and pans from the kitchen.  It seems a little childish but at least she stood up for herself getting her time back with Colton.

  • At the Rose Ceremony all eyes are on Tracy for the most part.  We still don’t know most of these girls because there’s 23 of them and some of them look alike.  Tracy gets the last rose which means she was the Producer’s Pick.  They know how to build the drama and keep it going for one more episode.  The formula works.

  • Going home were some blondes that kind of looked alike and that one brunette that couldn’t talk on the first night and communicated with cards.

  • One girl tells us she felt like she got her heart ripped out.  We don’t even know who she is.  She apparently didn’t have a group date or any meaningful time with Colton.   I don’t think they ever even kissed.  How that constitutes getting your heart ripped out I have no idea.  This show brings out the crazy in everyone.

 

I think we’re now down to 19 girls and personalities are starting to show.  I suppose that means we should start trying to learn some of these girl’s names since some of them are going to stick.  Personally, I’m going to wait another week before I put any real effort into remembering names.  If they’re not named Demi, Hannah, or some version of Cae(t)lyn I’m just going to remember them by their hair color, age, and/or cleavage.  It’s easier that way.

 

If you're reading this for the first time and like it follow us on Facebook or Twitter as we post our recaps each week:

 

https://www.facebook.com/30sVortex/ 

 

https://twitter.com/30svortex

 

If you're interested in the 30's Vortex for Single Females which is a tongue and cheek look at why single females in their 30's tend to stay single visit our website for videos and other stuff.  Tracy is clearly in it and destined to ride it to the center at the rate she’s going.

 

Here’s the video or you can click the link below to read the detailed theory on it.

 

https://www.30svortex.com/the-detailed-theory

 

 

 

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