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Week 7 of The Damn Thing

July 11, 2018

 

NOTE – This week is rather long as the Colton disclosure is a lot to discuss.  The rest of the episode was pretty boring so feel free to jump to the Colton section about halfway down if you’re short on timeYou'll see it marked in bold where it starts.

 

Week 7 of The Damn Thing took some turns I wasn’t ready for.  Normally I write these things in chronological order of the show but I’m diverting this week.  There wasn’t a lot of drama in this episode which was always my biggest fear with Becca as The Bachelorette.  She’s pretty buttoned up and not crazy.  Sure, she has her moments where things confuse her but when you’re looking for love confusion is all part of it.  With Lincoln and Chris gone along with Jordan and David there’s no real crazy left.  All the guys left seem like good genuine guys.

 

This week we head to the Bahamas and it’s beautiful blue water and white beaches.  I wonder how many trips get booked shortly after an episode to the destinations they show.  Not gonna lie I’d hop on a plane to the Bahamas right now after seeing what it looks like.  We start the show with a chat between Becca and Chris Harrison.  Harrison is showing much more energy this week so maybe he got a talking to or he’s half drunk.  They talk about nothing serious other than things we already know.

 

Becca tells the fellas there’s going to be three 1x1s and then one group date with the remaining three.  There would be no Rose Ceremony so you go home after the date if you don’t get a rose.  There’s some fear by the fellas but at this point they all know how the game is played.  It seems obvious Colton, Garrett, and Blake get the 1x1s while Jason, Wills, and Leo battle it out for the consolation prize of being the first dismissed after Hometowns.

 

The first 1x1 goes to Colton.  I wasn’t surprised by this because I assumed he was the front runner.  This week proved me wrong which I’ll get to in a bit.  I’m holding Colton’s date until the end as it’s far and away the most interesting thing about this whole episode.  It’s actually mind boggling so I want to save it.

 

As Colton is on the 1x1, Blake starts talking about how he’s questioning Becca’s feelings for him.  We haven’t seen much from Blake since the 1x1 so I honestly thought he was the third horse in this three horse race.  The second 1x1 goes to Garrett which Blake questions even more.  The producers are playing Blake and the audience perfectly.

 

After the Colton date Garrett gets his shot with Becca.  Robot Garrett from Virginia seems gone and Regular Garrett is back.  They hop on a seaplane and fly around the Bahamas.  Unlike with Leo, Becca is fully engaged with Garrett and they spend half their time looking at white sands and blue oceans and the other time sucking face.  They wind up on a private island where they have lots of discussion and fun.  They really seem to have a connection.

 

At dinner they have more discussion and it’s pretty clear Becca still has questions over Garrett’s previous divorce.  It makes perfect sense because Garrett has never fully explained the thing away.  At least on camera.  Becca puts him on the spot asking if it’s her he’s truly interested in or just the idea of someone.  Becca is smart at this game.  Garrett does a good enough job convincing Becca it’s about her and not just someone so they run to the beach.  They take off their clothes were they conveniently have bathing suits underneath.  They frolic in the water falling more in “love.”  Did the producers tell them to wear bathing suits under their clothes?  They must have.

 

While on Garrett’s date we learn that Blake gets the final 1x1.  Blake had so much doubt about things I was doubting he’d get that final 1x1.  This means Jason, Wills, and Leo will fight for a hometown spot.

For her date with Blake Becca tells us, “We’re going to this huge beach party where The Baha Men are releasing their new song.”  We get to the beach party and there’s maybe 50 people at best.  That’s not huge.  I had no clue who the Baha Men were until they started singing, “Who Let the Dogs Out.”  I still didn’t know who they were.  I Googled “Baha Men” and learned they sang that song.  Glad ABC could resurrect them on The Bachelorette. 

 

As for the date Blake breaks out his most amazing white boy dance moves.  Becca counters with her most amazing white girl dance moves.  She says something like, “I didn’t know Blake could move like that.”  Um, Becca, he’s moving like any normal white boy with limited rhythm just like you.  Per the producers orders they get up on stage with the Baha Men and show just how white they are.  They seem to be having fun together so that’s all that matters.  They head to the beach for some alone time and have some semi-serious discussion.  They talk about how they haven’t had much time together but there’s a real connection between them.  It becomes really apparent as the date goes on.

 

At dinner they get into a serious discussion.  Blake wins the season’s Sad Story Award when he tells Becca about his parent’s divorce.  He tells her “around my sophomore year” his mom starts having an affair.  He doesn’t even really remember exactly when it’s so traumatic.  He tells her she was having an affair with the high school basketball coach and history teacher.  He says it’s a really small town so word spreads quick.  Something tells me Blake had this guy as his coach and history teacher.  I can’t imagine being on the court or in the classroom knowing this guy is banging your mom who is married to your dad.  To make sure he wins the Sad Story Award Blake tells Becca he learned his mom was moving out of their house from a classmate he barely knew.  Becca is so sad for this story she doesn’t even mention her dad.  Congrats Blake.  I can’t imagine that story being topped.  Let’s hope Blake makes it to Hometowns so we can see the dynamic.

 

Through all of this we hear Becca tell us she feels stronger for Blake more than anyone else.  I wasn’t expecting that AT ALL.  I thought she was totally smitten with Colton this whole time.  As Becca and Blake keep talking Blake is expressing his feelings for Becca despite his reservations.  It’s so obvious Blake’s words work better than anyone else’s and they seem sincere to Becca.  Blake’s words are working perfectly and Becca is buying every one of them.  We get to the point where Blake needs to tell Becca he’s falling for her but Blake takes it further and tells Becca he is in love with her.  His pass falls perfectly as Becca catches it in full stride and reciprocates everything Blake is feeling.  She doesn’t tell him she’s in love with him just yet but we know the rules of this franchise even though Ben Higgins and Arie ruined it for everyone.  Becca is trying to get it back on track where the candidate doesn’t tell anyone they love them and even worse tell multiple people.  On camera Becca tells us how great it is to hear Blake say those words to her.  She’s smitten with Blake for sure.

 

In a shock to me Blake is now the clear front runner.  I didn’t see that coming at all.  What happens on Blake’s date makes so much sense with how Becca handled Colton’s news.  We’re almost to that point but first the 3x1.

 

They don’t fully realize it, but Jason, Wills, and Leo are fighting for the 4th spot.  That sucks for them because every move on this date should be about setting themselves up for the ladies off the show.  It shouldn’t be about Becca anymore and should simply be about making sure they get all kinds of attention on the dating apps.  They head out on a boat to an island to see who gets the Consolation Rose.  It’s boring because Becca is not really into any of them after her date with Blake.  She takes Leo aside and they have a quick conversation.  As lovable as Leo is it’s clear he’s not the one for Becca so she gives him the boot.  Leo seems okay with it.  Hopefully he realizes that “Becca’s Leo” is about to score him some major ass on Bumble.  Becca goes back to Jason and Wills while Leo walks aimlessly on the beach.  As Becca, Jason, and Wills leave the island Leo gives their boat a wave to show just how good of a guy he is.  Love me some Leo!  If you’re not rooting for Leo in real life you don’t have a heart.

 

Becca goes to “dinner” with Jason and Wills where each get alone time.  Jason can’t express the words Becca wants to hear but Wills can’t display the actions and excitement Becca want to see.  Torn between actions without the words or words without the actions Becca gives the Consolation Rose to Jason.  I feel bad for Wills.  He seems like a great guy but I think he was a mercy killing for Becca.  Neither he or Jason are advancing beyond next week so give the rose to the guy who will take it easier when it happens.  Not sure why Wills thought Becca might have been his person when it was clear she didn’t feel the same way.  The 3x1 date was a big sign you’re on the outside looking in.  Hopefully Wills gets his confidence back soon as I think he’ll be just fine on a dating app with his current resume.

 

Colton, Colton, Colton, Colton.  This is going to be long because there’s so much to unpack and talk about.  Coming into this week I thought Colton was the clear front runner.  Like Jordan Rodgers with Jojo and Lauren with Arie it just seemed like Becca was smitten with Colton’s looks.  Colton got the group date rose last week and the first 1x1 this week so it seemed like Becca was letting Colton get distance between him and everyone else.  For most of the show Becca talks about their “connection” but all she ever describes is what a cutie Colton is.  That’s totally fine as we’re all a little shallow when it comes to the physical wants of our long-term partner.

 

Heading to the first date in the Bahamas Becca decides to show off just how deep her relationship with Colton is.  She asks Colton, “Do you like catamarans?”  So deep.  Colton tells her yes showing off just how much they get each other.  Um, who wouldn’t like private time on a catamaran in the Bahamas?  That’s like asking someone if they think puppies are cute.  99% of normal humans will say yes.

 

Becca and Colton get on the catamaran where they get down to their bathing suits so things are better.  They’re saying words to each other but mainly they’re just holding each other while staring each other up and down.  When Becca talks about Colton away from him all she can comment on is how good looking he is.  No other redeeming qualities other than he’s a total hottie.  While laying on the catamaran they’re about to engage in heavy petting but this guy pulls up in a yellow boat.  He’s dressed in all white and named Action Jackson.  Seriously.  He has “Action” painted on the side of his boat.  Action tells him they’re going diving for conch and it’s an aphrodisiac.  The producers really like to find things that get Becca’s libido going.

 

Because Becca is with Colton she decides to go all in on the sexual innuendo.  It’s clear she’s using the word “conch” for another “c word.”  The entire time looking for conch is about how much innuendo Becca can work in since Colton has his shirt off.  She works a LOT of in it and it’s a perfect set up for what’s coming next.  Before we get there I have to comment how lame yet again Becca and Colton’s 1x1 date is.  Garrett got a sea plane and private island while Blake got a beach party and those guys who sang “Who Let the Dogs Out.”  Colton gets a catamaran and diving for conch.  Once again with $500 and 30 minutes on the Internet I could do something more romantic than what Colton and Becca did.  Camels, catamarans, and Colton.  If it wasn’t for his looks he’d be gone.

 

This whole season the underlying “thing” with Colton is that he’s a virgin.  The producers have done a good job of keeping it in the back of everyone’s mind.  In this episode it gets brought to the forefront as Colton has decided to confront it at dinner that night.  Back at the condo the guys are bringing it up like it’s a major deal.  It’s certainly surprising a 26-year-old fella that looks like Colton and played professional football is a virgin but I don’t see how it’s a major deal.  Didn’t Tim Tebow blaze this EXACT trail almost a decade ago?  It’s not like Colton can’t get laid.  The dude could go to damn near any club in the world and likely get a BJ in the parking lot before heading home to bang a girl if he really wanted.  In many ways I’ve kind of seen it as a positive for Colton and a big card he could play if he plays it right.

 

Colton and Becca sit down for dinner and Colton decides to address it right away.  Maybe it was just editing, maybe the producers prodded him, or maybe Colton just wanted to do it.  Either way at dinner nothing else is talked about as Colton immediately brings it up.  I had NO clue it would be the major deal it became.  I truly thought Becca of all people might find it cute realizing she’d get to be the first one to bang Colton.

 

Apparently, Becca didn’t feel that way.  For the most part she sat there stone faced while Colton tried to explain away why he was a virgin.  The poor guy sat there trying to rationalize why and Becca just sat there not saying anything.  He’s telling her he put football first and just hadn’t had that many relationships.  She just sits there.  He’s telling her more stuff.  She just sits there.  Trying to get some kind of response he tells her more stuff.  She just sits there.  Becca.  Just.  Sits.  There.

 

I couldn’t believe Becca’s response at all.  They have been mostly naked in a broken hot tub and on a catamaran with their hands all over each other’s body so it’s not like Colton’s afraid of being physical.  He’s just apparently not had intercourse with a female at this point.  Maybe Becca doesn’t give BJs so she’s confused what to do if she sees Colton penis and can’t mount it.  Has she spent this whole time with Colton dreaming of the Fantasy Suite and he just crushed her dreams?  She gives no reassurance it’s okay to be 26 and a virgin.  I can’t believe sweet, sweet Becca is taken back by a 26-year-old virgin.  Is she secretly a major horn dog?

 

Instead of reassuring Colton being a virgin is totally fine or giving some kind of response she channels her inner Arie asking for some alone time.  Becca is way more Arie than I ever imagined coming into this.  She heads outside while Colton just sits there.  Now Colton is just sitting there feeling ashamed and embarrassed a girl he has feelings for gave him NO response about being a virgin.  He’s thinking his lack of “sexual experience” is about to get him sent home instead of bringing her home to meet his family.  This is wild.

 

Becca finally composes herself and goes back to the table.  Rather than give Colton major reassurance it’s totally okay (which it is) Becca kind of dances around the topic asking more questions.  Colton keeps talking some more telling her he’s not saving himself for marriage.  He just hasn’t met the right girl.  That right there should have gotten Becca’s panties wet like it would most decent girls, but it didn’t seem to do it as they keep talking.  He’ll bang you if you’re the right girl, Becca.  Get with it.  You can still have his penis before saying “I do” if you want it.

 

In a strange twist Colton then tells her it’s been very difficult being in sports locker rooms and being a virgin.  I get that to a degree but Tim Tebow didn’t seem to care about that along with some others.  A big strapping lad that can get laid like Colton shouldn’t be ashamed of being a virgin.  It’s not like he’s coming out that he’s gay.  It’s totally okay if he’s gay as well but do think he’s straight or he wouldn’t be on this show.  Is this the world we live in where an attractive 26-year-old feels ashamed of not taking advantage of women he wasn’t really interested in?  This should be celebrated.  Becca for the most part just sat there never giving real assurance she was fine with it.  When you care about someone you look past that.  Especially when he tells you he’s not necessarily waiting for marriage and more for the right person.  That’s really admirable.

 

They finally say enough words and Colton gets the rose meaning Becca wants to meet his family.  It’s clear she REALLY wants to meet his “family maker” but she’s going to have to wait a while for that.  I never expected Sweet Little Becca to respond to Colton’s news like this.  I really thought she’d give him a quick reassurance it’s fine and move on down the road. 

 

So many possibilities on why she didn’t but some of them became more clear as the episode went on.  While she’s clearly smitten with him physically maybe she’s not connected to him mentally at all.  It doesn’t appear there’s any real mental connection and it’s much more obvious as you see her spend time with Garrett and especially Blake.  Maybe she was seriously contemplating sending him home because there was no connection other than physical and he just drew a line it wasn’t going any further any time soon.  The fantasy suite is not a place to be taking someone’s virginity but I suppose it’s possible.  Maybe she just wanted one up Tia this whole time. And now realizes why Colton and Tia just kissed.  She’s not going any further than her friend so that competition is over.

 

Since it’s been a major storyline this whole season I really hope Chris Harrison brings it up at the Men Tell All.  Something like this is RIGHT up his alley.  Since there’s no other real drama outside of Jordan/David and Chris/Lincoln which gets old real quick Harrison is going to need to pass the time somehow.  Surely he’ll do some prodding on this.  Colton seems like a decent sport about it.

 

As for Colton it’s still a little hard to believe.  We’re talking about a guy that apparently dated a major sports babe in Aly Raisman and somehow spent a weekend with Tia before anyone knew who she was.  Based on light reading it appears he’s reaching out to these girls on social media.  In searching for photos for my weekly posts I saw several photos of Colton and Raisman at events.  Even the Golden Globes.  I don’t know Colton’s long term play in all of this but it’s not what I would have expected.  I don’t have any reason to not believe his story but his true intentions in all of this are a little suspect as he doesn’t seem to be all in on Becca like the others.  In the back of my mind I think he’s chasing that social media fame since football is over and he’s not quite sure where to go in his life.  Either way if he’s a virgin waiting on the right woman then that should be celebrated.  Hopefully he meets the right girl that gives him the re-assurance because it’s certainly not Becca.

 

With all of that it’s TIME FOR HOMETOWNS!!!  Truthfully, I think these are going to be lame like Arie’s season.  The only really interesting dynamic will be Blake’s family but something tells me his mom is long in his past and we won’t see a glimpse of her.  I think everyone left is mentally stable which makes for boring TV.  I’ll likely watch this one last episode without spoilers.  If it’s as lame as I think it will be I’ll go find the spoilers of who Becca picks.  Plus, I want to see who the latest girl is that Colton picked up on social media.  Something tells me we’re going to see Colton in Mexico with the rest of the Bachelor/Bachelorette castoffs and I’m totally okay with that.  We need Colton and Tia in Mexico with Wells serving them drinks.  That’s the only thing that can save us now.

 

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