Week 5 of The Damn Thing

We came into Week 5 anticipating the MOST DRAMTIC 2x1 ever with Jordan and David. Before we could get to that we had some other things. There was a 1x1 with Colton and then a group date with something Becca said was the human form of Wayne Newton. I'm not totally convinced there was anything human about that “person” which we'll get to later.

It's kind of surprising Becca and Colton hadn't already been on a 1x1 date. She's been gushing over him the whole time so kind of surprised she didn't force the issue with the producers. She's been wanting alone time with the former quarterback since he first got out of the limo.

She finally gets her chance and they head to the middle of nowhere Nevada to ride camels. By ride camels I mean sit on individual camels two people walk down some dusty ass path. While on the camels they spend ZERO time together. The two people leading the camels had ZERO concern it was supposed to be romantic. Not once did they put the camels in the vicinity of each other so Becca and Colton could at least hold hands. Becca and Colton tried to get some “romance” but the camel walkers didn't give a damn about this budding romance. They just walked at their own pace to finish their job and head home.

After Becca and Colton get off the camels they get in a hot tub in the middle of a dusty pasture. It's possible the camel crap had been picked up but I wouldn't be shocked if Becca and Colton had to dodge it on their way in the hot tub. If the two guys walking the camels were responsible for camel crap duty I bet they totally half assed that too. The hot tub the love birds get in wasn't even running. Seriously. The were no jets for bubbles which I thoughts was for audio purposes but the pump to move the water wasn't on either. It was basically a hot tub with stagnant water. My guess is someone forgot to see if the camel farm had a 220 volt connection in the middle of the pasture. It didn’t so the hot tub had no electricity.

Luckily for whoever screwed that up Becca and Colton didn't care. They got to see each other in bathing suits and that was good enough for both. They have some empty conversation and Becca pulls her best Arie. She straddles Colton basically telling him to shut up so they can make out. Becca probably doesn't realize it but she's doing the EXACT same thing with Colton that Arie did with Lauren. She's so smitten with Colton's looks she's ignoring the fact there's ZERO depth to their conversation and relationship. It's totally surface driven.

After the “date” Becca tells us it was magical. Um, Becca, it was two dirty ass camels and a broken hot tub in the middle of a dusty pasture. That was the least romantic set up the Bachelor franchise has ever done for a 1x1 date. With $500 and 30 minutes on the Internet I could create a date 10x more romantic than that anywhere I happened to be in the world. Because it was Colton it was “magical.” Just how Arie described sitting on a public park bench with no words being exchanged with Lauren. Dirty camels and a broken hot tub are not “magical.”

At dinner Colton and Becca start having some “deep” conversation. Staying down the same path as Arie and Lauren, Becca and Colton tell each other they're on the “same page.” Same page? They don't say anything for what's on the page. I'm guessing they feel they have some pretty stationary that doesn't need words. Three weeks ago Becca is all confused and Colton is explaining away Tia. Now things are perfect as they stare at the same blank page nodding in agreement.

Colton then starts telling Becca about his last relationship where he told some girl “I Love You” too quickly. He doesn't say who but I'm guessing it was his third “date” with Aly Raisman. Maybe I'm wrong but it totally seems like something Colton would do. Telling a hot athlete he met on the Insta he loves her too soon. This girl not being able to reciprocate Colton's feelings gave Colton the heave ho. Like anyone that experiences rejection it stung Colton so he now feels a little pain when it comes to the word “Love.” Becca tells us, “The fact he associates pain with love kills me.” Don’t worry Honey. It’s a competition and Colton will tell you he loves you in no time with zero pain. How does Becca not know how this show works?

They also have these random quotes:

[if !supportLists]• “I really like being with you” - If you find “magic” with two dirty camels and a broken hot tub this much is obvious.

[if !supportLists]• "Even though my walls are up” - Colton tells Becca this about liking her. Don't worry about your walls, Colton. Becca is just worried about something else being up.

[if !supportLists]• “We've overcome so many obstacles” - Seriously? You've known each other 5 weeks and this is your first true alone time. The only “obstacle” has been Colton dating your friend over the Insta for a weekend because the producers told them it would be a good idea. There have been ZERO other obstacles. Arie and Lauren 2.0.

[if !supportLists]• “You especially. This is our story.” Becca telling Colton there’s something special happening between the two of them. There’s at least 2 other guys with pretty serious story lines but we know where this is going. Physical attraction is a powerful thing.

[if !supportLists]• “I really do trust him. He makes me smile.” You only trust him because his looks make you smile. He has that affect on lots of girls. Wait until you hear about is Insta history to see if you really trust him.

They spend the rest of the evening on top of a bus riding through Vegas where they kiss a lot more. They're smitten with each other's looks and that's about it. Arie and Lauren.

For the group date everyone heads to Wayne Newton's version of Graceland. Becca introduces Wayne Newton and a very life like animatronic thing rides up on a horse. It looks like a human Wayne Newton. The way you know it's not actually Wayne Newton is because it's face never moves despite words coming out of its mouth. Also, it's hair never moves because it's completely fake and permanently glued in place. Proving it's really a robot like the Chuck E Cheese band this thing tries to pretend he sings that Donka Schoen song more romantically to its human wife. Nobody hears any difference realizing it's a robot they're dealing with.

This whole group date is boring as they make fools of themselves in front of people anticipating a Wayne Newton show. My guess is those people were told they'd get a free Wayne Newton concert if they'd show up for the opening act. You get what you pay for people.

During cocktails after their show Chris proves what a total idiot he is. Meanwhile Garrett and Blake cement themselves as the second and third horse in this three-horse race with Colton. Blake apparently got 30-45 minutes off alone time with Becca and people didn't know where they were. After they were done Becca comes back and gives the rose to Blake ending the evening. The line of the group date is Chris telling the other guys, “Becca needs to win me over.” That's not how this works, Chris. He’ll prove just how big of an idiot he is later in the show.

Next up is the MOST DRAMTIC 2x1 ever and it plays out EXACTLY like everyone guessed. It wasn’t dramatic. Jordan and David meet up with Becca in the desert and they head off in a Jeep to some remote location with a bed. This is more romantic than what Becca and Colton had earlier. David walks off with Becca and like a little bitch just goes off on Jordan. He doesn't say anything about Becca AT ALL and spends all of his time focused on Jordan. Becca hearing enough goes back to Jordan switching out the guys. Becca tells Jordan what David said and Jordan goes off on David. Nothing about Becca. Becca having had enough of these two little bitches sends Jordan back to David. She needs to think things through. Really it was a command by the producers for one last “showdown” with Jordan and David. Jordan goes off on David with some great one liners while David sits there like a little bitch. The producers tell Becca they have enough video of the two. She comes back giving David the boot but doesn't give Jordan the rose.

Back in Vegas Becca and Jordan have dinner. At this point we realize just how detached from reality Jordan really is. It's clear he's NEVER had any meaningful conversation with a normal female. I'm guessing he's just been banging other models because his words don't work so well. He asks Becca what her normal weekend looks like which is a standard question for a first date with someone from a dating app. Not someone you've had conversation with already. After Becca tells him a little he cuts her off and goes into detail about his normal weekend which mostly involves keeping his vanity intact. The line of the date is when Becca asks Jordan a question and Jordan responds with, “I wish I had my portfolio so I could show you.” Seriously. His whole life is surface driven with no depth. Jordan then tells Becca he needs to kiss her. Even though Becca is the female Arie at this point she is very hesitant not even leaning in like she's done with everyone else. They have a little more conversation and Becca sends him home. Jordan is VERY confused because he's used to banging models with no words. Becca is different, buddy. We'll see you on The Men Tell All and Bachelor in Paradise so this isn't where our path ends.

The cocktail hour before the Rose Ceremony winds up being a COMPLETE train wreck thanks to Chris and his insecurity. Nobody really saw this coming but we spend a good 30-40 minutes with Chris acting like an insecure 12 year old. Becca gives him EVERY chance to redeem himself and get back on track but he can't do it. The moment of the evening is when Wills graciously gave him “2 minutes” even though it was clear Becca would have been fine had Wills given Chris no minutes. Chris not realizing what 2 minutes means rambles on rather than get to the point. Wills being a man of his word comes back after 2 minutes asking for his spot back. Chris being confused tells Wills he needs more time. Wills says no dice. Becca isn't standing up for Chris at all. After a few minutes Chris sort of realizes neither Becca or Wills want him there and he leaves. Mad props to Wills for putting Chris in his spot. I don't think Wills has a real chance in this thing but he's setting himself up nicely to bag a lady or ladies when he's off this show.

At the Rose Ceremony we all know it's going to come down to the final rose and if the producers begged Becca enough to let Chris come back for one week. It's clear Becca was done with him but we all know the Rose Ceremony is a negotiation between candidate and the producers. Only one person was going home since Jordan and David already left. The producers played it perfectly setting up the final rose between John and Chris. Chris was always getting the rose. With Jordan and David gone the show needs some drama. John seems like a great guy but he just didn't bring anything to the table. He had no long term chance so the producers convinced Becca John could be a casualty in the Chris train wreck.

I think there's 9 guys left so we're about to hit the point where things move rapidly to “true love”. All of the guys other than Chris and Lincoln seem like really decent guys. Leo and Wills are my favorites although they don't stand a chance. The guy I feel the worst for is Jason. I think he feels like he has a legit shot at Becca but it's clear he doesn't. If you're not named Colton, Garrett, or Blake you really don't stand a chance. Everyone else is just seeing who gets to take Becca to their hometown before getting the boot. Hometowns are getting closer, y'all!