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The Bachelor Hometown Recap

That's a Hometown rose ceremony dress.

This was probably the biggest snoozer of Arie’s season so far. Hometowns usually offer some good drama or intrigue but there was literally nothing in this episode. I think that’s a testament to Arie being a good genuine guy and he picked four REALLY solid girls. Sure, Arie’s a moronic goof at times and the girls aren’t perfect but all things considered the final four have proven to be people devoid of drama and true idiocy like we’ve seen in the past. Arie and the girls deserve some credit for that.

That’s not to say there weren’t some nuggets in this episode so let’s see if I can mine them. Before getting to Kendall’s hometown Arie tells us how excited he is and specifically, “One of them is going to be my wife.” Being a little presumptuous there Arie? Do you know how things usually work out on this show? I get you’re hopeful it works out but knowing you and how this show works nobody is putting money on you finding your spouse in two more weeks.

Arie is in L.A. with Kendall and they have a date at what I assume is her place of taxidermy. Arie is CLEARLY freaked by all of this. I’m freaked Kendall has done this much taxidermy in her life. I mean that’s a legit ass operation if that’s hers. That must be someone else’s because it is a ton of work in her short life. I am now more fascinated if this is Kendall’s full time job as I thought it was a hobby of hers. That operation is more than a hobby. Arie needs to get to the bottom of how much time and money she spends on taxidermy. That could be a nasty habit if she’s not making any money on it.

Arie tells us, “We’ll be mounting some taxidermy of our own.” Not the mounting Arie was hoping for but Fantasy Suite is next week buddy. Hang in there. After Arie and Kendall get done performing “Stuffed Rats in Paris” they head to Kendall’s house to meet her parents.

Kendall’s family seems skeptical of the whole thing and for good reason. Arie tells her dad, “I can see Kendall and my relationship blossoming into something amazing.” Further proof he’s not there with Kendall but Kendall is still out there running full speed from the 2x1 with Krystal. After hearing Kendall’s dad be brutally honest Arie gets time with Kendall’s twin Kylie. Kylie is clearly ready for her role of “Candidate Hot Sister” which The Bachelor is famous for. Kylie asks Arie if he’s going to propose at the end and Arie says, “For me it’s a proposal.” What he wanted to say was, “Per my contract I have to propose because Neil Lane paid a lot of money for me to put a ring on a lady.” Everything else goes well with Kendall’s family and I’m convinced if it wasn’t for this show Arie and Kendall would totally fall in love like a normal relationship. They’re moving at a good pace but it may be too little too late.

Next up is Weiner, Arkansas where Tia is waiting on her man. In perfect form they do dirt track racing because they can’t repeat four wheeling in the mud like Raven and Nick did. Tia is clearly not excited about this but she is a trooper and “races” Arie. Arie finally finds someone he can beat on a track and literally dusts Tia. After the race Arie and Tia have a cold beer on a tailgate. Arie’s “cold beer” is a Michelbo Ultra. I’ll wager good money that had to be trucked in as nobody in Weiner drinks that. Further proof despite what he says wanting a southern girl he’s not comfortable in Weiner.

Tia and Arie head to her parents where Tia explains that he gave a rose to someone else before her last week. She just straight came out and said she was second fiddle to someone else in front of her parents. Arie quickly tries to explain why so he doesn’t get shot. Tia’s dad then calls him “AIRIE” in the moment of the show. So typical southern. If it ain’t American it’s hard to say, y’all. To make it more typical southern they toast the meeting with Lil’ Smokies. So perfect for Weiner, Arkansas.

Airie then meets with Tia’s brother who explains he’s done some research on their dial up modem as he tells us, “I’ve read some things on the Internet.” Those things directly are he is a ladies’ man and he is The Kissing Bandit. Airie’s face is expressionless at the question but does a good job of explaining it. At least to a feller from Weiner, Arkie. Next up is Tia’s dad and it is more of the same where he shows off his use of the family’s dial up Internet. Truth be told I liked both Tia’s brother and dad. They’re protective of Tia but they trust her judgement and see that Airie is a good genuine guy even if he’s not from around their parts. Just to make things clear Tia’s dad does tell Airie, “If you hurt her……I can find you on Google.” So perfect. Everything else with the visit was boring which is basically the common them of these hometowns. The first two were real snoozers but we have Becca K and Lauren B left.

Arie meets Becca K in Minnesota where they do things in an apple orchid. They pick apples and then shoot apples at a target. I miss the hometowns where there’s awkward moments with exes or awkward moments with children at a school the contestant went to. Exes and random children make everything better on hometowns. Arie and Becca K take their apples to make caramel apples where Becca K tells Arie, “You’re gonna stick it all the way in.” It’s at this moment I realize the only entertaining thing about these hometowns is the subtle innuendo the producers have been working in. With Kendall we had mount, Tia is from a place called Weiner, and now Becca K is telling Arie to stick it all the way in. Maybe it’s my brain but I’m onto what the producers are doing.

I was already half asleep when Arie and Becca K head to her house. Nothing they did perked up my eyebrows at all. Obviously the passing of Becca’s dad is a big deal so it’s a major component of their visit. In the end Arie is just too likeable and everything is fine. I think the lack of drama with these families is further proof these girls are solid girls and Arie deserves credit for picking out his Final Four. They’re solid and Arie is likeable so this might be the worst collection of hometown dates. We don’t watch for normal. We watch for drama. Somebody go get Krystal right now!

Arie heads to Virginia Beach where they have a date on a beach. Makes sense the name of the town. Lauren B is completely over her mute disease having actual conversation with Arie. Arie basically stares at her and tells us, “I really have strong feelings for Lauren” which translates into, “She’s so freaking hot and she told me she’s failing for me. I basically walk around with a permanent erection thinking about her.” The whole date is more of a snoozefest. They ride bikes and kiss in a light tower. Wake me up when Krystal is on the screen.

They head to Lauren B’s parent’s house where Arie is SUPER nervous. This is the key he sees Lauren B differently because nobody else makes him so nervous. He meets the family and shook Lauren B’s mom’s hand and did not hug her. Hopefully that is just editing. Give the woman a damn hug Arie!!! Arie tells everyone, “I’ve just really always been drawn to her.” Yes, Arie. We know you think she’s hot. At dinner Arie gets gassy again and needs another moment away. Seriously. What is it with him and needing timeouts when he’s around Lauren B? He’s fanning himself and patting his forehead because he claims to be so sweaty. Not a real confident look for Arie but I guess this is why he’s kind of loveable because he’s sort of real for a reality show. He completely freezes up and has to gather himself. It’s unreal.

Arie then has his individual moments with Lauren’s dad and mom. Lauren’s dad seems super cool. It’s amazing how laid back parents can be when they feel they’ve raised their daughter correctly and aren’t looking for fame themselves. These cameras aren’t even phasing them. It hits me at this moment every girl Arie has picked their parents are still together. Obviously Becca K’s dad passed but her mom doesn’t appear to have a new man in her life. Pretty obvious all four of these girls have been raised by strong committed parents and that comes across in the girls. Back to Arie and Lauren’s parents he says things like, “She’s very much like me.” I guess Arie was a mute at one point in his life as well. He also says, “Just by looking at her I feel comforted.” Uh huh. We know exactly what you mean when it comes to “comfort.” When Arie is done with the mom he sticks out his hand to shake again. ARIE!!! You want her to be your future mother in law. HUG THE DAMN WOMAN!!!!

After Arie is done with the parents we see Lauren and the mom get some alone time. She tells her mom that, “He’s so much like me.” Clearly Arie and Lauren have had some off camera conversations as they both feel they’re like each other. I don’t think anyone watching on television sees the same thing. I found it odd they both said the same thing about each other to Lauren’s parents. Lauren also says, “He’s very honest and genuine and I don’t think he’d be saying the same thing to other girls.” Um, Lauren, you’ve forgotten how this show works. What do you think he’s telling the other girls on their hometowns? Just general chit chat?

We hit the rose ceremony and Becca K comes out first. She tells Chris Harrison he’s looking sharp. Nice move by Becca to have a backup plan if she gets dumped. Tia shows up looking beautiful and then we see the tat on her back left arm. Um, yeah, I’m just gonna leave that there. Kendall and Lauren show up and then the man of the hour. Harrison asks him how he’s feeling and Arie says, “I really don’t have an idea?” Seriously Arie? You have NO clue who you’re giving roses to. You’re not just deciding between who gets 3rd and who gets sent home? I find that hard to believe but this is Arie we’re talking about so he’s probably not lying.

At this point you realize how boring the hometowns are. Every girl is dressed tasteful. Nothing will ever top the dress Jojo had to wear (see above) in Ben’s season’s Hometown rose ceremony. Her brothers were total jackholes to Ben which made for great TV (plus her mom swigging straight from the bottle) and Jojo had to make up for that debacle with a dress that reminded Ben of what he was looking for. That’s how hometowns are supposed to go. Jackhole siblings and mom’s chugging booze straight from the bottle with a make-up dress at the rose ceremony. Way to go, Arie. You ruined Bachelor Hometowns you big goof.

Arie assumes his position for the final rose ceremony and then…TIME OUT!!! ARIE NEEDS ANOTHER DAMN TIME OUT!!!! He’s gassy again right before the rose ceremony so he needs to go break wind privately. He’s no longer The Kissing Bandit. He’s Time Out Arie. This is at least his 3rd timeout in the last 2 episodes. One is too many and he’s calling them at will. He comes back from breaking wind and asks Kendall if they can talk.

I honestly thought he was taking Kendall aside to put the bullet in her head privately. The other girls are confused because they kind of think Kendall is the one to get the boot too. Well, Tia is obviously but let’s not forget it was Kendall that got the rose before Tia last time. Plus, Kendall is the Krystal Killer so never count her out. We cut to Arie and Kendall and he’s not putting the bullet in her head. He sees her still in full stride since Krystal and is falling for her fast. He wants her to tell him she’s falling and can “commit” to marriage (as much as any Bachelor contestant can commit to marriage) because he wants to keep her around.

Arie and Kendall head back to the rose ceremony and if you’ve been paying attention to this season you know what’s about to happen. Becca K gets the first rose and Lauren B gets the second rose. It’s set up for another Tia and Kendall showdown. Chris Harrison comes in and tells everyone it’s the final rose. No shit, Chris. We can all see there’s TWO girls and ONE rose right now. ABC pays you to say these things? Arie grabs the final rose giving just enough delay for some drama and then says Kendall’s name. Kendall killed Krystal and she’s still out there in full stride making up ground. She’s a complete force right now. I’m not even sure Lauren B could take on Kendall right now she’s got so much momentum.

Of course Tia starts shedding tears and asking why. The reality is if Vegas had handicapped these girls Tia would have been the longshot to move on tonight. She was the last person to get the rose last week and hometowns changed nothing because the girls are so stable. Well, relative to normal Bachelor contestants. She thinks she did something wrong but the reality is her and Arie aren’t meant for each other. Arie was drinking Mich Ultra in Weiner while Tia was looking hot in that racing suit. If a hot girl in a racing suit doesn’t get Arie’s gears going then it just wasn’t mean to be. Sorry girl. You’ll find someone on Bachelor in Paradise like your pal Raven.

She did have a very mature moment telling Arie to go with his heart before getting in the car. It’s pretty telling the last two girls in Tia and Bekah M have wished Arie well in saying goodbye. They’re hurt but it seems Arie is a pretty genuine guy they like as a person. When Tia gets her fist alone time in the limo she has an ugly cry. And I mean U. G. L. Y. That kind of crying can get you The Bachelorette so keep that up if that’s what you’re angling for.

We then see the previews for next week. The Women Tell All is set to air on Sunday night before the normal Monday episode of The Bachelor. That means one thing – WE GET TO SEE KRYSTAL AGAIN!!! Everybody’s favorite contestant gets to face the music one final time in front of all the girls. I’m personally way more excited about that than the final two episodes. It looks like Lauren’s former fiancé comes back next week which is going to throw a wrench into things. If I’m wagering right now it’s Kendall and Lauren B for the final rose. If Lauren B’s fiancé gets her to leave the show there’s no doubt in my mind it’ll be Kendall for the final rose. I’m just not sure if she’ll accept so Arie could actually experience heartbreak in back to back weeks where Lauren B leaves the show and then Kendall doesn’t accept. Even if Kendall doesn’t accept I think they’ll keep their romance going and be just fine long term.

Two more episodes to find out! Oh, if you didn’t watch until the end you missed out as Arie and Kendall played more “Stuffed Rats in Pairs” but the best was Arie worked Krystal into the mix kicking her once more while she’s down. I can’t wait for Sunday night to see her again. Set your DVRs now so you won’t miss it. Miss you Krystal!!!

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