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The Bachelor Episode 3 Recap

I thought Episode 3 was 2 hours of solid base hits. There wasn’t any major drama but there was enough to keep it interesting. Arie and the ladies didn’t disappoint in this episode if you were paying attention. Let’s break it down by section:

Gorgeous Ladies of Bachelor Rasslin’:

  • Love competitive dates as it shows who is there for the game and who doesn’t understand the rules. Bekah M and Krystal understand why they’re there.

  • Tia and Bibi clearly have no clue what they showed up for and won’t be around for long. You really got offended by some old wrestling lady talking trash to you??? Come on ladies, toughen up!

  • Did the crowd have any idea what they were there for or was that a group of people that couldn’t in the Ellen show and just happy to be somewhere with cameras?

  • At the evening event Krystal made it clear she’s not here to play. She’s here to win. She was trying to figure out if she should be aggressive or laid back. Arie didn’t help her out much at all but Krystal is trying to figure out the sweet spot because she knows it’s a game.

  • Arie tells her, “It’s really hard to have you in a room full of other women” but nothing more and then proceeds to make out with her. What the hell does that even mean? Is that kissing foreplay?

  • Bibi spends her whole time worried about Krystal. Note to anyone reading this when you’re worried about someone else on this show and not the “prize” you’re hosed. Focus on the person and nobody else. She spent her time with Arie talking about Krystal. Wrong move, sister.

  • Love Krystal interrupting the other girls making sure they’re getting Arie time like she cares. She don’t give a damn about any other girl there. She’s not there for friendship.

  • The conversation with Tia was hilarious because she’s so far down the rung from Krystal and Bekah M. Arie wanted to make out with her so he feigned some small talk and caring and got his smooching. Seriously. You can tell Arie is put off by all of the small talk because he just wants to make out with her. Meanwhile poor Tia thinks it’s genuine. She’s toast in a couple weeks.

  • Arie and Bekah M then have the most marvelous conversation. Let’s remember this is a 36 year old man with graying hair and a 22 year old girl with a Tinkerbell haircut. If you saw a photo you might think it was a dad and daughter. Nope, it’s just the Bachelor and one of his contestants. They’re 14 years apart and Arie asks this question, “So, like, what’s been your longest relationship?” Bekah M without missing a beat says, “Like, two and a half to three years.” That’s like dog years to a 22 year old. I mean that’s an eternity to someone that young. They then have an in depth conversation about how awesome break ups can be with some “for sure” thrown in. Once again a 36 year old and 22 year old comparing break ups. It’s RIVETING conversation hearing those two talk about break ups. Arie says you can go to the gym and eat clean dropping some “totally” so Bekah reciprocates with some “totally” at which point they start sucking face because the conversation was so deep and mentally stimulating. Bekah M then makes the power move of straddling Arie while they make out. This will pay off shortly.

  • Arie comes in to give out the group date rose. Krystal thinks she’s a shoe in but since she failed to straddle Arie, Bekah got the rose. Arie says he’s giving it to Bekah because, “You were outstanding today and tonight you were amazing. So will you accept this rose?” Seriously. That’s as generic as it gets. Sorry Krystal but you’re gonna have to start straddling Arie if you want the rose. Outstanding and amazing. Too bad he can’t just say it was because she straddled him while they made out.

  • Before Arie takes one of the Laurens on their 1x1 we see Krystal talking to Marikh who couldn’t be any less interested in the conversation but somehow is there. Krystal reminds me of that adorable little 3 year old girl with all of the sass on the Internet videos talking about the gym, boys, and the such. I think her name is Mila. Krystal is 29 and sounds like a 3 year old Internet sensation during this segment. Krystal is convinced Arie is already hers and she just has to ride this process out. We shall see.

One on One Date:

  • Lauren S got the 1x1 date card and I can’t tell if she’s faking excitement or just confused with excitement. She’s all over the place.

  • Strangely she packs her big bag and puts it by the door which I’ve never noticed a contestant do before. Do all the girls do this for a 1x1?

  • Lauren gets to the airport and sees Arie come out of the private jet. Arie makes his “amazing” generic small talk. They cut to him in an interview and he has this to say about Lauren, “I’m really excited about this date with Lauren S. I don’t know that much about her but she’s beautiful, she’s mature, and she’s got this great job. Lauren S. is what I’m looking for in a potential wife.” Um, Arie, too bad you couldn’t say the producers picked this date because that’s an even more generic description than you usually give. Most girls I know would rather be told they’re outstanding and amazing over mature and have a great job. Those are all great qualities but they say NOTHING unique about the girl. When it comes to romance those are some boring attributes.

  • They get in the plane and the BEST SCENE happens. As they take off Arie has one hand with Lauren but he’s got his WHOLE OTHER ARM wrapped around the bucket of champs to make sure nothing happens to it. Seriously. Look at the pic above. He’s got more concern for the champs than he does for Lauren. Set that bucket on the ground and show some attention to the beautiful, mature, and employable Lauren. I mean WTF is up with him doing that?

  • Arie says he’s picked out the perfect date. Um, Arie, you’re in Napa. You’d have to be an imbecile to jack up a private date in Napa. Of course it’ perfect.

  • Their conversation seems to be going really well as they talk about how they’re getting older and going to bed sooner than later. Seem perfect for each other.

  • Lauren then starts the wheels wobbling on the ensuing train wreck talking about the issues in her past that may prevent her from a relationship now. Um, Lauren, what the hell did you think you were signing up for if you’re not ready for a relationship? I mean it’s The Bachelor!!!

  • Lauren then tells us, “This really feels like a ride or die night. I’m going to be really real with you.” Um, thanks Lauren.

  • Cut to the dinner conversation and they’re talking about everything but each other. They’re not looking at each other. Arie finally addresses her directly at which point the train comes off Lauren’s tracks.

  • Lauren tells Arie she’s happy to tell her story. She’s apparently always been a relationship girl and that she had a relationship that was “very passionate”. She then rambles incoherently to the point that Arie starts eating and totally ignoring her. Arie’s eating and she’s just pushing that train wreck further down the rails creating more carnage.

  • Lauren finally stops talking enough for Arie to grab the rose since he’s done eating and tease her with it. He says some generic stuff and that she’s not getting the rose but she is amazing. Lauren realizes she’s not getting the rose and is actually kind of relieved that whole train wreck is finally over. I think everybody watching was as well.

  • The producers then do a marvelous job showing Arie alone with the rose and the string musicians playing in the background like someone has died. In reality it’s just Trainwreck Lauren being saved and headed home. There’s nothing sad here. Everyone is saved.

  • Back at the mansion some girl named Caroline breaks out in tears over them taking Lauren’s bag. I guess they’d become straight up besties in the two weeks they’ve been there. Seriously. This Caroline girl is more upset about Lauren S leaving than Lauren S is upset about her leaving. That’s why I love this show.

Dog Show Group Date:

  • The group date involves dogs and Annaliese reveals she had a traumatic experience with a dog as a kid. No joke. The girl has a traumatic experience for EVERYTHING. Did the producers do this on purpose? She’s 33 years old and still having traumatic experiences for EVERYTHING from her childhood. She needs serious help.

  • The group date with dogs is pretty uneventful. Arie makes some generic comments while they’re at the park. The best part about the whole dog show was the commentary by Chris Harrison and Fred Willard stating it was a failed event. Oh, and the kid that got on stage and nobody cared. The producers making fun of Annaliese and her trauma was also nails.

  • We cut back to the mansion where Bibi and Tia say a prayer. Did she really just pray for a dog to bite another contestant? I’m not sure that’s what prayers are for but that’s just me.

  • The evening event doesn’t disappoint as it’s time for the ladies to start making moves. Arie as usual tells everyone today was amazing. If you took a shot for every time he described something as “amazing” you’d be dead by now.

  • He grabs Chelsea first which I don’t get. Maybe he knows that single mother sex is the best sex but other than that I don’t see the allure of her. There’s nothing wrong with her but the use of her child as force field drives me batty. We get it. You have a kid. You chose to come on a reality show to find love ignoring your child. That can’t be the best parenting so I wouldn’t continually bring up missing your kid. You made the decision to be here. Your kid didn’t push you here.

  • Arie and Caroline’s “deep” conversation on the couch is so moving that Arie says, “I like you here” to which they make out. Pretty sure the only thing Arie knows about deep his how far he can stick his tongue in someone’s mouth.

  • Meanwhile Annaliese keeps talking and driving herself crazy. Girl needs help. Serious help. She finally gets her moment with Arie and he won’t even talk or look at her. All he’s thinking is that he can’t wait for the rose ceremony to send her ass home. In the middle of the conversation he tells her the place is “pretty cool” while she’s trying to get his attention. You gone girl.

  • Arie tells Becca K she was “amazing” today and they have some small talk and then make out. I thought for sure she was getting the rose but Arie picked Chelsea which I don’t get. Becca K seems like the most eligible girl on the show right now. She’s gorgeous and handled the role of Julia Roberts to his Richard Gere really well. She seems really genuine and level headed.

Rose Ceremony:

  • Bibi makes a “private” place for her and Arie. Poor Bibi can’t even use it because Arie and Lauren B find it first to which point they make out. Of course they do. I’m shocked Bibi doesn’t straight flip when Arie asks for 5 more minutes with Lauren B on the bed Bibi made.

  • Arie parading the other girls to make out on Bibi’s bed is just sinister.

  • Arie asks the 22 year old Bekah M if she wants to get married. Bekah M tells him she does but she doesn’t need him. She’s not lying. She’s just there for the Instagram fame. When the cameras and competition are off she’s going to give Arie deuces. There’s no doubt about that. Playing with fire, Arie.

  • “Moonshine tastes like gasoline in a good way” Arie says about some alone time with Tia. I don’t think anything can make gasoline taste like a good thing.

  • Annaliese straight asks for a kiss from Arie and he says he’s not there. Um, he’s already kissed everyone else in the mansion tonight. He’s NEVER getting there, babe. At least Annaliese grabs some self-respect and heads out on her own.

  • On the way out Analiese says she’s afraid she’s not going to find love and that’s her worst fear. Um, pretty sure finding love on a reality show where you’re competing with 30 other women isn’t the best way to go about this. If you think that’s the only way to find love then you’re coocoo in the head. She should have been focused on finding love where she lives and not some reality show.

  • As she leaves there’s another poignant moment by Arie after sending someone home. He looks really sad. All he’s really thinking is he wants to go back inside and find someone else to make out with but the producers are making him stand there.

  • This is the least dramatic Rose Ceremony ever because EVERYBODY knows the one girl not getting a rose is Bibiana. Chris Harrison could have saved everyone five minutes by just telling Bibiana she was headed home. When Bibi finds out she says, “I deserve true love and I lost my chance. That really sucks.” Um, no you didn’t. True love doesn’t exist on a reality show. It just doesn’t. I get this show pulls the contestants out of reality but damn they get jacked with in their head. At least Arie told her she was “amazing” TWICE on the way out so she has that going for her.

The most interesting thing about this show is Arie sent home three girls that are in their 30s and CLEARLY in the Vortex. I think Lauren S might be fine but it’s pretty clear Annaliese and Bibi need to do something to snap out of it. They’re just spinning to their 40th birthday and never having a man. Arie might be a guy in the Vortex himself but he had ZERO interest in those girls for the most part. The Vortex is a dangerous place and even a show like The Bachelor proves that out. The theory becomes more and more proven every day.

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