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Bachelor Colton - Week 3

January 22, 2019

 

Week 3 of Colton’s Bachelor adventure wasn’t really all the exciting.  It was a classic Bachelor formula show.  Group date with a little drama but nothing really intriguing, 1x1 date in a non-realistic setting with a deep revelation at dinner that night, another group date with a “twist”, Chris Harrison scaring the girls only to get them excited, and then the Rose Ceremony saving the most dramatic rose until the end except you already knew who was getting it if you paid attention to the season previews.

 

It wasn’t a horrible show as it had its nuggets.  If you’re not watching it with your DVR it can really drag.  This show could have EASILY been done in 90 minutes if not an hour.  I know they won’t condense it that much but there wasn’t enough drama and fun to make for an intriguing two hours.

 

As for Colton he’s growing on me.  He’s playing the part really well.  He’s not completely sure why he’s there but I do think he’s good genuine guy.  I think he’s looking more for a girlfriend and to finally get laid more than anything else.  I don’t think he’s really looking for a wife.  Maybe he’s gay and still trying to figure that out.  Either way, I do think he’s just there having fun with it all.  That’s more than we can say for some of the dudes in the past.  He was the best of who the producers could pick from since Jenna screwed up Jordan.

 

One final thing on Colton is I LOVE when he talks about his “professional” football career.  He was never really a “professional” football player.  I promise every person reading this made more money on their first full year W-2 out of college than Colton ever made from NFL teams combined.  How he’s survived financially this far in life even starting a charity I have no idea.  It’s certainly not from NFL earnings.

 

Let’s get to the show.

 

Group Date 1:

  • As the girl’s names are read for the first group date we see Demi in her mother’s glasses from the 80’s or from the sale rack at the Red Oak Wal-Mart.  She can dress up real pretty but her white trash roots can’t be denied.

  • The girls hop on a bus to head to a pirate themed date.  For whatever reason this means they should all dress in their best athleisure attire.  They looked they were headed to a workout of some kind and not something pirate related at all.

  • The girls put on pirate attire and play pirate “games.”  Through this we learn that Hannah Alabama is “strong.”  She’s a little over five feet and a hundred pounds I think.  She can’t even donate blood.  I think my definition of “strong” is different than the girls.

  • Caelynn and Tracy are chosen to “rescue” Colton.  Pretty sure these two were picked to torque up Hanna Alabama and Demi.  I like it.

  • Caelynn wins the challenge and rescues Colton were Colton gives her an awkward kiss which upsets Hannah Alabama.

  • At the post-party Demi continues to attack Tracy and gets her in head yet again.  I’m not going to condone Demi’s actions but it’s a competition so it’s fair.  She’s completely in Tracy’s head living rent free.  It’s fascinating to watch.  Demi sees a weak soul and she’s preying on it while Tracy just lets it happen.

  • Caelynn and Colton have an awkward moment on a couch talking about the day.  It’s crystal clear Colton is smitten with Caelynn and vice versa.

  • Hannah Alabama then goes on the attack telling Colton that Caelynn is not a good person.  Caelyn didn’t say one word about Hannah Alabama.  Hannah Alabama is proving when you’re more worried about someone else than the candidate you’re hosed.  It never ends well.

  • Confused, Colton pulls Caelynn aside asking her about Hannah Alabama’s accusations.  Caelynn played it perfectly saying she didn’t think was the time or place.

  • Colton feels guilty because he brought up something he hadn’t personally seen in Caelynn.  He’s right so he gives her the date rose.  It was part apology for bringing up drama where there was none and partly because he had fun with her and there’s a legit connection.
     

One on One Date with Elyse:

  • Colton takes his favorite cougar on the second one on one date.

  • In a total realistic setting they helicopter from L.A. to San Diego where they land at an amusement park that’s closed.  It appears to be a private date for the two of them.  Colton then breaks the news to her it’s a group date with a bunch of kids who are sick or disabled.

  • The kids are as cute as can be so Colton and Elyse have a blast.  If you can’t have fun at a private amusement park with sick children, you have no soul.

  • The kids finally leave so Colton and Elyse get some alone time on a roller coaster.  Colton tells her how much fun he had with her and they kiss.  You go, Colton. 

  • Elyse tells us it’s so amazing to get a glimpse into what a day is like with Colton.  Um, sweetie, that’s not a real day in the life of Colton.  In Becca’s season the best he could muster was a basketball and some toys for a couple sick children at a hospital.  Even that looked out of the norm for what Colton does.  Don’t let the producers fool you this is what Colton does on a regular basis. 

  • At dinner that night Colton and Elyse open up to each other.  Elyse way more than Colton when she tells the story of her sister pregnant with her sister’s second child.  During the pregnancy they discover a cancerous tumor.  The details of what happened aren’t clear, but we learn her sister carried the baby long enough for it to be born while the sister succumbed to cancer.  Her family is now raising her sister’s children since she passed away.

  • Colton feels like he just stepped in a bear trap because how can you respond to that story?  That’s an amazing story of sorrow and strength.  Life and death directly tied together.  Good job, producers.  I wonder if they discover these stories and ask if the person will be able to tell it on the air.

  • Even beyond that story it’s clear there’s a connection between Colton and Elyse so she gets the date rose without any hesitation from Colton.  Much better connection than the previous one on one with Hannah Alabama. 

  • Elyse thinks the date is over but Colton has a surprise for her.  It’s not a surprise for anyone else as Colton takes her to a “private” concert that’s not private.  As usual it’s an obscure artist.  The person or band is named Tenille Arts.  I’ve never heard of them as I suspect most of the people watching but she/they had a great sound.  Hopefully they’ll be more famous than Colton one day.

  • Elyse seems like a REALLY awesome girl but I think her age and maturity is going to be too much in the end.  I think Colton is giving her a legit chance but when it comes down to it he knows she’s a little too old and whole lot more mature than him.  Unless she’s hiding some crazy she should be a fan favorite the rest of the way.  Some of us thought Leo was pretty stand up during Becca’s season and we saw how that turned out.  Let’s hope it’s a different situation for Elyse.
     

Group Date 2:

  • In typical Bachelor formula fashion the next group date is a work-out and Olympic style competition.  The girls really do need their athleisure attire for this one.

  • Hannah G. doesn’t get a date this week so we wonder if the bloom is off her first impression rose.

  • The work-out position of the date is pretty boring other than learning Sydney is REALLY flexible.

  • During the competition we somehow see Caitlyn who is all of 100 pounds pull a limousine.  It’s completely fake because the car is moving when there’s no tension on the chains she’s pulling.  At least the producers could try and make this competition look real.

  • There’s minimal personalities in this group of ladies.  It’s so boring the producers decide to edit in Chris Harrison and Fred Willard commentating on the action.  Seriously.  There’s no way that was done in real time.  After shooting the producers realized how lame it was so they sent Harrison and Willard to the scene to record some footage like they were live commentating.  I know better.

  • The evening party is also lame.  There’s nothing going on other than Nicole shedding some tears.  This girl is going to look like a broken fire hydrant when she finally gets the boot.  Make no mistake.  She’s going to get the boot and it’s going to flood tears.  Bad for her.  Good for us.  Tears are fun.

  • The party is so lame the producers re-calculate their show formula and decide someone needs to get the boot directly from the party to spice things up.

  • For some reason it’s decided Caitlyn will be the sacrificial lamb.  It’s clear Caitlyn won’t go very far but she hasn’t done anything to get the immediate boot.  Colton asks her how she envisions them as a couple and she says, “I see us going out with my friends and having fun.”  Colton clearly wants a little more than going out with her friends and they struggle through some more awkward conversation.

  • Her dismissal could have waited for the Rose Ceremony but Colton tells her she needs to go home right then.  Caitlyn is obviously confused by this because at minimum she was hoping to get some rose’ at the next cocktail party.

  • Colton awkwardly tries to hold her hand on the way out to which Caitlyn tells him, “Don’t hold my hand, Colton.”  She’s pissed and confused.  For good reason.  She walks out in front of Colton and gets in the waiting SUV without a hug or Colton even opening the door.  All awkward and no drama.

  • Colton goes back and tells the rest of the girls he sent Caitlyn home.  As the formula predicted, shockwaves are sent through the girls.

  • He gives Nicole the date rose.  This means the water works when she gets the boot will only be bigger.
     

Pool Party:

  • Back at the house the girls are talking about Caitlyn’s early dismissal just as the formula predicted.

  • Chris Harrison arrives and in classic Harrison fashion scares the girls there will be no Cocktail Party.  The girls realizing they might have to stand through a Rose Ceremony sober are all aghast.

  • Harrison then breaks the news to the girls there’s going to be a pool party and Colton will be shirtless.  The girls go crazy.  Harrison doesn’t even need to think about his delivery when he does this.  It’s complete muscle memory and he’s on cruise control.

  • No surprise Demi is first to put suntan lotion on Colton.

  • Colton and Hannah G get some alone time.  It’s clear Colton’s feelings for Hannah G. hasn’t changed so all is good between those two.

  • There’s no other real drama except for Caelynn and Hannah Alabama which provides plenty.

  • Caelynn makes the fatal mistake of letting Hannah Alabama get in her head.  Caelynn pulls Colton aside and tells him how she feels about Hannah Alabama.  She basically tells Colton she feels exactly about Hannah Alabama as Hannah Alabama does about her.  Caelynn tells Colton she thinks Hannah Alabama is manipulative and some other similar words.  I forget the exact words as I was bored hearing a beauty pageant girl complain about another beauty pageant girl who is exactly like her.  Obviously Colton doesn’t like hearing any of this.

  • Meanwhile Hannah Alabama is getting worked up by the girl who’s never been kissed.  That’s right.  Hannah Alabama is talking relationship advice with a girl that’s never even kissed a boy.  Not who I would be talking to about the opposite sex.

  • Colton dismisses Caelynn going to look for Hannah Alabama.  When he finds her, he dismisses the never been kissed girl who is apparently named Heather.

  • Colton confronts Hannah Alabama about the accusations Caelynn levied against Hannah Alabama.  Hannah Alabama tells Colton it’s Caelynn that’s manipulative and that Colton is going to discover Caelynn is not the girl he thinks she’s is.

  • Caelynn and Hannah Alabama have basically informed Colton they are in fact the exact same girl.  Apparently, beauty pageant girls are all the same as I suspected.

  • Frustrated by this discovery Colton goes to talk to the producers.

  • It’s not shown but I’m convinced Colton is telling the producers he’s sniffed out their plan with the beauty pageant queens and he has no long-term interest in either one.  He’s ready to send them both home.  He likes Caelynn but it’s not enough to keep her around with the drama it creates with Hannah Alabama.

  • The producers are struggling in their negotiation to keep them around for a few more weeks so they summon Chris Harrison from his private cabana where he’s playing Fortnite.

  • Chris Harrison talks Colton down insinuating he signed up for this mess, so he needs to deal with it for a few more weeks.  In the way that only Chris Harrison can Colton realizes he just has to deal with this mess as part of gaining social media fame.  It’s part of the formula, Colton.  Let’s just get to the Rose Ceremony.
     

Rose Ceremony:

  • There’s no real drama expected at the Rose Ceremony other than seeing if Hannah Alabama gets a rose.  Caelynn is already safe.  If you paid attention to the previews for the rest of the season you know Hannah Alabama will survive this night.

  • The only thing left to speculate is who won’t get a rose getting a dignified release.  Unlike Caitlyn who got the Black SUV during a party departure.

  • Not getting roses this evening are Nina who we’ll talk about in a bit, Bri who I often confused with that girl who’s never been kissed, and DJ Plastic Surgery who at 26 has had more work done than most women in their 50s.

  • I thought DJ Plastic Surgery would last a little longer but nothing really happened with her after the first night.  Plus, I think Harrison told Colton to send her packing as they are about to leave the mansion and there’s no money in the budget for dog sitting while they’re gone.



Apparently next week we’re heading to Singapore.  We only know this because Demi implies she might try and sleep with Colton in Singapore.  I assumed that’s where they’re headed.  Colton needs to do a better job of working their next destination in his toast to get everyone excited.  I guess the formula isn’t foolproof after all.

 

 

Girls in the 30’s Vortex:

 

If you’re single in your 30’s there’s some good lessons to learn from the three girls in their 30’s in this show.  I know things are edited to present people in a certain way but let’s look at each one based on what has been presented:

 

Nina – She got the first boot because she did absolutely nothing.  She appears to not have had any conversations of substance with Colton.  I’m sure she talked to him but she seemed very passive and just sat back taking ZERO initiative on her behalf.  She showed off her boobs quite a bit but believe it or not good guys want more than boobs.  Boobs do have limitations.  You can’t sit back never taking any initiative with a good guy expecting something to magically happen.  If you do that, nothing will likely ever happen with a man.  If you’re single in your 30’s you have to take some initiative towards finding a good guy.  Nina didn’t and not surprising she got the first boot.

 

Tracy – Maybe it’s not fair Demi is attacking Tracy.  The reality is Tracy is focused on everything else but Colton.  If Demi wasn’t attacking Tracy I think Tracy would find something or someone else to lay blame on.  When it’s not Demi she’s blaming her age, not enough time with Colton, and other things rather than figuring out how to ignore the distractions and focus on Colton.  If you’re single in your 30’s and blaming distractions for finding a good guy you’re not going to find one.  Distractions only exist because you let them.  Eliminate those distractions and you’ll get a lot further for finding a good guy.

 

Elyse – There’s a reason Elyse got a one on one.  It wasn’t a random chance.  Early on she clearly stated sincere interest in Colton and made her case.  She knows age is a difference, but she turned that into a positive that Colton took to heart.  She’s not playing games and that’s why she was picked for their date.  She’s clear, up front, and focused on Colton communicating her interests.  On their date she was real and herself.  Colton appreciated it and is connecting with her.  I don’t think she’ll survive to the end but it won’t be from lack of effort or distractions not letting her focus her strengths on Colton.

 

Sure, it’s easy for most females to be interested in Colton but look at how these three girls handled their time on the show.  One girl gave minimal effort, one girl got distracted, and one girl focused her efforts.  The Bachelor is a contest but so is dating in real life.  If you’re spinning in the 30’s Vortex you can learn from the actions of others in the 30’s Vortex.  If not, you could be destined to keep spinning.  It’s up to you and nobody else to find the way out.  There are some lessons to be learned from this show if you pay attention.

 

More About Us:

 

If you're reading this for the first time and like it follow us on Facebook or Twitter as we post our recaps each week:

 

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https://twitter.com/30svortex

 

If you're interested in the 30's Vortex for Single Females mentioned above it's a tongue in cheek look at why single females in their 30's tend to stay single.  You can visit our website for videos and other stuff.  

 

Here's a link to the detailed video or you can watch the video explaining it below.

 

https://www.30svortex.com/the-detailed-theory

 

 

 

 

 

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