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The Bachelor - First Night Thoughts

January 14, 2019

 

I was a little worried about Colton being named The Bachelor.  After watching the first episode I think it’s going to be just fine.  The Bachelor has it’s formula and they seem to have hit on it again.  It’s a damn competition and they’ve cast some ladies that are ready to compete.  They’ve also cast some ladies that have no clue it’s a competition which is also entertaining.  Some people love to watch the naïve ladies cry their way through the show until they don’t get a rose.  Count me in that camp.  Maybe it’s cruel but they should have known what they signed up.  If you didn’t know this was a full-blown competition, then that’s on you.  I feel no guilt watching them become emotional wrecks on national television.  They signed up for it.

 

I didn’t get to watch the first episode “LIVE” because there was a football game on.  I am a man after all.  I DVRed and watched it on Sunday.  I watched the “LIVE” stuff and it was too much so I started fast forwarding through it.  The Bachelor may be a competition but it’s not a sporting event.  A sporting event has a defined set of rules the competitors play by.  There are no defined set of rules to win someone’s heart on The Bachelor franchise.  You do what you have to do to win that person’s heart.  People can’t analyze in real time what’s going on.  They just have to let it play out and absorb the glory of someone pursuing love in a short time-frame with cameras and production personnel around.  Plus, you realize how great Chris Harrison is as host when you see all the former “personalities” trying to drum up excitement, interest, or whatever the hell they were trying to do.  Just show us the limo pulling up to the mansion and awkward conversations.  We don’t need Goose and Krystal in a damn hot tub.  We’re over them.  Get straight to Colton and the ladies so we can figure out who the lions and lambs are.

 

I’m just going to hit some bullet points but before I do there’s one thing to hit on – Every time I see Evan and Carly I realize there needs to be a statue of Evan somewhere.  This dude took on the Chad Bear in Jojo’s season.  He looked like a little bitch compared to Chad Bear but never backed down.  He looked pathetic on Bachelor in Paradise firmly planted in the Friend Zone with Carly.  Somehow, he climbed out of being buried deep in the Friend Zone to get Carly’s attention.  He wound up winning her heart and impregnating her with a beautiful child.  This must be the most amazing thing that’s ever happened in the Bachelor franchise.  Chad Bear and Friend Zone didn’t faze him one bit.  He won in the end.  Hats off, Evan.

 

Just some quick hit bullet points from the first show:

  • Let’s not forget despite how they’re dressed and the mansion setting most of these people are in their mid-20s.  They’re not even close to established adults.  The mental difference between a 23-year-old and 26-year-old is fascinating.  So much happens those first five years when you’re out of college.  Well, assuming you went to college.

  • Love the fact the producers put two women that competed against each other in beauty pageants in another “competition.”  The producers are so evil it’s awesome.

  • Love that Colton asked the one if she was “Miss Carolina.”  Um, Colton, there’s a North and South Carolina.  You claim to be a “worldly traveler” but you merged two states.  I think you’re confused on what a “worldly traveler” really is.  Seeing someone in a foreign country on Instagram doesn’t mean you traveled with them as well.  Too bad “Miss Dakota” couldn’t be cast as well.

  • Love the girls that cry on the first night.  You just identified yourself as a lamb.  It’s only a matter of time until there’s major water works with you later in the show.

  • The 26-year-old DJ has had more Botox than most 40-year-old actresses in Hollywood.  Her face is going to look like a plastic doll when she turns 40.  She might not have any lines on her face in 10 years, but she’ll also just have one locked facial expression.  I’m excited for her.  She’s delusional and delusional contestants make the best contestants.  She’s going to be the “Producer’s Pick” to get a rose for at least 5 more episodes. 

  • Demi is in a class by herself.  She’s what I like to call “Pretty White Trash.”  Her looks make you think she’s something else, but her roots are covered in white trash she can’t lose.  Her mother is in FEDERAL PRISON!!!  How does that happen where they get her on tape calling from FEDERAL PRISON?  Do the producer assistants draw straws to see who asks her if they can get her mom to call from FEDERAL PRISON???  Is that a condition of being on the show?  So many questions of how this happened and how Demi thought it was fine.  It was just some embezzlement... 

  • BTW – the line of the show is from Demi when she tells Colton, “I haven’t dated a virgin since I was 12 but I’m willing to give it another shot.”  Um, read that sentence again.  Process all of that.  TWELVE!!!  Yeah, she’s “Pretty White Trash.”

  • There’s a Barbie doll looking girl from California that claims she’s never been kissed.  How do the producers find these people?  When they read that on her application and saw her photos did they even talk to her or just cast her?

  • Cinderella didn’t even make it past the first night.  She walked around with one shoe to get booted on the first night.  That has to sting.

  • Similarly, the sloth got the boot on the first night too.  She seemed like a total train wreck as she went from talking 5 mph as the sloth to talking 100 mph out of costume.  I thought she’d get a rose on the first night but apparently Colton and the producers had other ideas.

  • Is the girl from Miami related to Bibiana or does every single girl in Miami act like one another?  She’s already crying on the first night and questioning everything going on.  Is she that clueless for what she signed up for?  Glad she got a rose because she’s got some train wreck potential just like Bibiana.  Tears for no reason are the best reason.

  • I love how the contestants think lots of quality time on the first night is important to get a rose.  All you need is a few minutes and to physically grab the attention of the person.  If you didn’t get a rose on the first night you just weren’t that person’s type.  It’s that simple.  It doesn’t help your social media career but for your own long-term sanity it’s best to get sent home on the first night.  You NEVER stood a chance if you didn’t get a rose on the first night.  It’s okay to be normal.

  • I love how Colton blames his virginity on “pursuing my professional career.”  Um, Colton, you’re 26 and have NO CAREER.  NONE WHATSOEVER.  You played football at a small college in Illinois and then spent a couple NFL training camps taking some pre-season snaps.  You never even made an NFL team’s practice squad.  Since failing at the NFL he’s been chasing some reality fandom.  Maybe some define that as a “professional career” but it’s not what I’d call a “professional career.”

  • I’m over him being a virgin.  It became too much on Becca’s season and it’s already too much after the first show.  It’s totally fine if he’s a virgin.  It really is.  When it becomes such a big focus it’s because there’s nothing else going on with the guy.  Hopefully it settles down going forward as “virgin fatigue” could turn a lot of people off.  I want more than virgin references and tears.

  • In looking at the season preview I really hope there’s something to Colton running off like a dog that snuck out of the backyard and nobody can find him.  It would be so Colton to run off like a dog that’s never been out of the backyard.

That’s enough for the first show.  I’m still pissed they didn’t pick Jordan as The Bachelor as he would have been gold.  Especially with the Jenna stuff.  I think Colton will be fine though.  He’s got enough personality with enough naivety where he’ll make some stupid decisions.  This is why we watch this show.  Maybe I’m wrong but after the first show there looks to be enough there for some Bachelor franchise entertainment.  Let’s all give it a chance.

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