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Week 9 of The Damn Thing

July 25, 2018

 

The Fantasy Suite episode of The Bachelorette was boring.  No other way to explain it.  The most exciting thing I got from this episode were the commercials for Bachelor in Paradise.  Seriously.  They showed us Chris, Jordan, Colton, Tia, and most importantly LOTS of tears.  I mean lots of tears with all of our faves.  If suffering through Arie and Becca gives us a stellar season of Bachelor in Paradise then it’ll all be worth it.  There better be some serious drama on BiP or I’m gonna be pissed at this franchise.  Arie and Becca really are a couple of snoozers.

 

For this write up I’m just going to cover each person more than anything.  Normally I try and follow along with the show but it was just so damn boring you’d be bored.  To show how boring this season has been, the previews for The Men Tell All next week there weren’t ANY sound bites.  I mean ZERO soundbites.  Maybe I’m wrong but in past seasons I remember them showing some footage and soundbites in the previews for The Men/Women Tell All.  I don’t think it’s live like After the Rose.  Pretty sure they’ve already taped The Men Tell All for this season so there’s footage to show.  If that’s the case it’s going to be boring just like this season.  I’m sure I’ll watch but I may fall asleep.  All the good people are going to be on BiP so I’ll see them there.

 

Let’s get into the Fantasy Suite edition of the season.

 

Becca:

 

I love Becca telling us she’s not ready for this process.  Uh, Becca, if there’s one person that exists in the history of this franchise that should be ready for this process it’s you.  You won the damn thing last season and then got dumped.  You’ve been through IT ALL!!!!  How in the world could you have walked into this not ready for the process?  I get you can get emotional but you know this game better than anyone has ever done it.  That’s on you if you’re not ready.

 

I also loved how she continually brings up Arie talking about being lied to.  Move on, Becca.  You have three dudes in love with you and you’re still worried about Arie???  He ain’t worth worrying over.  Plus, you shouldn’t have any confusion on what happened.  He was ALWAYS in love with Lauren.  You were his choice because the process forces you to think too much.  His heart was ALWAYS with Lauren.  When he got away from the show his heart took over his brain and he realized how much he loved Lauren.  It’s as simple as that.  You should realize what happened by now.

 

It’s the same thing going on with Garrett and Blake.  The reason she’s so confused is because she’s not completely smitten with either guy.  They’re just the two guys her brain thinks would make the most sense from a fiancé standpoint.  They’re both great guys but their relationship has been so systematic focused on marriage and kids I don’t think their hearts naturally grew together.  It’s what always happens with this show.  She’s trying to force a fiancé so she dissed Jason because he developed too late.  She completely freaked out twice on their dates because her head got in the way of enjoying someone naturally.  Her head is guiding her heart and that’s not right.  No matter who she winds up with in the end I don’t think it sticks.  I could be wrong but I don’t think it will at this point.

 

Too bad the producers didn’t bring Ross in from the bullpen.  This episode REALLY needed some Ross.  I miss Ross.  That’s Becca’s long-time boyfriend who made an appearance during the Fantasy Suite episode last season.  I guess Ross and Becca have moved on from each other but I sure haven’t.

 

Blake:

 

The whole Blake date was super boring.  They go to a temple where they can’t touch each other or kiss.  Come on ABC.  They’re going to sleep together later that night and you’re limiting foreplay.  Not cool.  At the temple they get some relationship advice and ring a bell broadcasting their love.  Boring.

 

At dinner they have some discussion and it’s kind of confusing.  Blake is looking for some strong re-assurance from Becca and she’s not giving it to him.  I can’t tell if she’s confused on who she’s going to pick or she’s just playing the request from the producers to play it close to the vest so nobody knows.  I think she truly doesn’t know.  Blake brings up his previous relationship which devastated him.  We’ve never got a lot of details on this but Blake tells us his mom would have dinner with him 4-5 nights a week.  That’s admirable of his mom and glad he has that support but is it odd to anyone else a fella in his 20's has him mom eating dinner with him 4-5 nights a week after a tough breakup?  Support is awesome but doesn’t he have any friends to hang out with?  Wouldn’t he want some alone time?  Watch some YouTube or Netflix? 

 

Maybe it’s just me but hearing that and going back to the fact his Hometown was in his high school makes me realize why he has some confidence issues.  Maybe he’s not fully grown up yet.  Great guy but he needs to leave some of his past behind him.  Either way he gets invited to the Fantasy Suite where I assume he and Becca bang it out.  The next morning he walks Becca to the door shirtless so he either had some confidence he just got laid or he’s comfortable going shirtless with Colton’s physique no long around.

 

Jason:

 

Jason came into Thailand looking like he was making up major ground.  Looking back, he may have got to Thailand solely because of Colton’s dad and Tia.  Colton would be here if it wasn’t for them.  Jason’s date did not go well at all.  During the day part of their date Becca mentions something about their future and freaks out needing some time alone.  Not good, buddy.  Then at dinner they start talking about their future and Becca pulls an Arie needing a break.  We’re realizing she’s more like Arie than she’s not.  It’s clear she’s not feeling it with Jason like she is with the Blake and Garrett.  At least that’s what her head is saying.

 

Becca finally puts the bullet in Jason telling him he’s not going to the Fantasy Suite.  Jason is dejected but not deterred.  He keeps trying to sell Becca on a future together.  He was REALLY mellow about it all.  He was drinking a beer at dinner but I wouldn’t be shocked if he smoked a bowl before dinner.  He was just so mellow the whole time.  I can’t figure out if he kept talking because he was high or the producers were standing behind Becca telling him to keep talking as they needed more footage.

 

He finally gets the signal he’s done and Becca walks him out.  He gets in the van and starts talking.  He’s dejected but he seems fine.  I think the producers gave him some more weed when he got in the van.  He was full on mellow for just getting dumped.  He cared but not really.  He’s completely setting himself up to be the next Bachelor.

 

We jump from Jason in the van to Becca the next morning telling us some glowing stuff about Jason before her date with Garrett.  After Garret’s date they make it seem dramatic as Jason heads to Becca’s room to try and get her back.  If you’re paying attention Becca is wearing the same outfit the morning after her date with Jason.  The producers made it seem like Jason came back after her date with Garrett but it was all done before Becca went on her date with Garrett.  Can’t fool me.

 

Jason and Becca have some more conversation where Jason gives her a scrapbook the producers made for him.  No way in hell Jason made that.  Becca tells Jason he’s an amazing man and he’ll find someone.  She’s completely right.  Jason is going to be knee deep in ass he’s not going to know what to do.  What I really think is happening is the producers are setting Jason up to be the next Bachelor.  He and Colton are the only two guys that offer any kind of intrigue as the next Bachelor.  It won’t be Blake or Garrett once of them is kicked to the curb.

 

Garrett:

 

Garrett’s date is also really boring.  Garrett is a great guy but he’s a total goober.  He really is.  The only funny thing about their date is when they were rafting and they wind up hitting an area of the river where people are just chilling and drinking.  They’re totally clogging up the river ruining the date.  Nobody gives a damn about Garrett and Becca so they have to navigate through it.  I’m kind of to the same point where I don’t care either.

 

At dinner it’s basically the same as Blake except Garrett’s words don’t work as well as Blake’s.  There’s just something off with Garrett.  He’s not that smooth but he is definitely genuine.  My favorite is when Garrett basically tells Becca, “I’m so glad you’re not a bitch to my family like my ex-wife.”  That is endearing.

 

I’m not sure there’s a real connection between Becca and Garrett.  I think Garrett fits what Becca thinks she’s looking for in a husband because he is a great guy and genuine.  I’m just not sure there’s a super strong connection of the heart.  If she picks him I kind of get the feeling they won’t last.  I could be wrong but I don’t see an amazing connection.

 

Garret gets the Fantasy Suite card and they head to a giant tent.  If I’m not mistaken, Becca’s Fantasy Suite with Arie was in a giant teepee in the middle of the desert.  This girl gets hosed on Fantasy Suites.  This giant tent is basically a bedroom and nothing more.  There’s no visible bathroom as it’s elevated up like a tree house.  I have so many questions on this.  How far away does the crew go?  Assuming they do the nasty do they have to put on clothes if they need the bathroom?  That’s kind of a let down.  What if there’s a condom?  Do they place a trash can in there just for that?  They can’t have any other trash so basically is there just a used condom and wrapper in the trash can?  If not, does Garrett just hold it outside the tent and someone grabs it.  The set up looks cool but functionally it’s not ideal for banging it out.  Why don’t they get a normal hotel room like Blake?  Garrett probably picked it out with his teenage brain not thinking all the logistics through.

 

Rose Ceremony:

 

Blake and Garrett show up and keep looking for Jason.  He’s not coming guys.  Becca boats in so they make faces realizing they’re the last two left.  Becca walks up and tells them they are in fact the last two guys left and gives them their roses.  Garrett makes a toast that makes it pretty apparent he banged Becca which Blake obviously doesn’t like.  I don’t think Garrett did it maliciously towards Blake as he’s just genuinely excited he had sex with Becca.  Garrett doesn’t have the mental ability to be that strategic I don’t think.  Becca then tells them they’re going to Maldives where they’ll be meeting her family.  That’s good as Maldives isn’t far from Thailand so that’ll save ABC on the travel budget.

 

As a way to show how lame this episode was the after show outtakes were completely about Blake needing to pee while they wait on Becca.  Seriously.  Apparently the ONLY funny thing that happened during their time in Thailand is Blake was nervous waiting on Becca and needed to pee.  B.  O.  R.  I.  N.  G.

 

As of right now I have no idea who Becca picks.  I’m 50/50 as I think she has a stronger romantic connection with Blake but his lack of self confidence isn’t endearing to Becca.  Garrett seems more prepared to be married but he’s kind of a goober and a puppy dog so I think Becca would eventually get bored with him.  If I had to pick I’d say she picks Garrett and then winds up breaking up with him wondering if she should have kept Jason the whole time.

 

I’ll be in Norway during the Finale so not sure if I’ll be able to watch it.  Because of that, I’m reading the spoilers as soon as I publish this.  I promise to not say a word to those of you that don’t know anything.  It’s time for me to know who Becca eventually breaks up with!

 

 

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