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Week 8 of The Damn Thing

July 22, 2018

 

Hometowns have always been an exciting and entertaining part of The Bachelor franchise.  Who can forget Jojo’s a-hole brothers and her mom swigging wine straight from the bottle?  With Becca, like most of this season, they were pretty boring.  There were a few nuggets so let’s get to it.

 

First up was Garrett.  His family lives in what appears to be rural California.  Garrett tells Becca his family has an “agricultural operation” as they look out over a pasture full of dirt and a John Deere tractor.  Why has the world turned into this?  Why do we have to dress everything up?  Why can’t basic things be called basic things?  Garrett – your family are farmers and that’s totes okay.  There’s nothing wrong with farming.  That’s how we get food on the table.  Becca knows your family has a farm.  Just say it.

 

Garrett and Becca hop on the back of the John Deere and plant some tomatoes.  Bored with that, Garrett kicks Carlos off the tractor and takes Becca for a ride hoping she thinks his tractor is sexy.  I just hope the producers got Carlos a golf cart or ATV so he didn’t have to trudge through the field back to the base of the “agricultural operation.”  When they’re done playing on the tractor they plant a tree in a hole that’s way too big.  Pretty clear nobody on site knows how to farm since they kicked Carlos off the tractor.  They then sit on a blanket trying to convince each other they’re totally ready for a serious relationship and kids.  Their whole relationship is, “I like you and I’m ready.  We should have babies.”

 

They head to Garrett’s family which in an odd twist is not at the “agricultural operation” and in a modest suburb.  Garrett seems like a great genuine guy but the more we see him the more we realize he’s kind of a goober.  Most of the time with his family Garrett smiling and everybody is dissing his ex-wife.  Man, they sure don’t like her.  If she’s watching this she’s not thinking fondly on her time with Garrett and family.  Maybe it’s warranted and maybe it’s not but it’s obvious there won’t be any happy reunions between Garrett’s family and the ex-wife anytime soon.  They’ve completely peaced out on her.  The best thing about Garrett’s visit is everybody is worried about his heart after going through so much.  Make sense but if there’s so much concern what in the world is he doing on a show that’s “supposed” to be all about finding true love?  You don’t go on The Bachelorette worried about your heart.  It’s a damn competition for hearts!!!

 

Next up is Jason.  Jason almost got the boot the week before when he couldn’t tell Becca he was falling in love with her.  This week is different.  He takes Becca to eat in a chicken wing contest and wipes blue cheese on her face.  Seriously.  He took a girl to his hometown and thought, “I bet she’d LOVE competing in a chicken wing competition in front of a crowded restaurant.  I’ll wipe blue cheese on her face to show her how much fun it is.”  After the wing eating contest they head to a local hockey rink where they do a little skating.  Jason shows off his hockey skills and they kiss.  Of course they kiss.  They’re sitting in the stands having an in depth conversation and Jason tells her he has one more surprise for her.  That “surprise” is riding on the hood of the Zamboni machine in an empty hockey arena.  Wow, what a surprise.  It’s the Buffalo equivalent of a John Deer tractor.

 

They head to Jason’s parent’s house where there’s a lot of boring talk.  Jason does say one thing that seems real.  He tells his brother and his husband he can’t quit thinking about Becca.  When he goes to bed he thinks about her.  When he wakes up he thinks about her and when she leaves he misses her.  That’s the BEST sign anyone has said about their relationship with Becca.  Like Arie and Kendall, Jason and Becca’s relationship seems like the most natural and real.  They’re having fun and not trying to force something because there’s some bullshit timeline.  They’re just letting it take it’s natural course and it’s the most real.  At the end of the night Jason tells Becca how he thinks about her all the time and he’s in love with her.  Becca tells him she’s going to miss him which means she’s got some real feelings for him.  He’s making up ground FAST.

 

We head to Bailey, Colorado where Blake is set up as Clint Eastwood to re-enact a scene from Bridges over Madison County.  I never actually saw the movie but based on the fact it’s a love story I assume there’s a similar scene with a rustic bridge.  After the fake scene in the middle of nowhere we see Blake taking Becca to his high school.  Blake is 28 and taking a woman to his high school.  Assuming he graduated at 18 it’s been an entire decade since he’s been in high school.  Come on, Blake.  You can do better than this in your hometown.  I did some research and Bailey isn’t even an incorporated town and apparently that high school only has 350 kids.  Maybe the high school is the most happening place in those parts.  There’s mountains but maybe it was too cold.

 

At the high school they walk around and meet various teachers and coaches who not shockingly still remember Blake.  That’s how small this place is.  Everybody says what a great guy he is.  We already know this.  Blake then takes Becca to the Library because he has something important he wants to tell her.  That’s right.  He takes Becca into the Library because there’s something he needs to get off his chest.  So weird.  He then re-counts a situation in high school where they had a shooter.  The school went on lockdown and everybody was panicked.  When he finishes his story Becca tells him, “Thank you for sharing.”  I’m not trying to minimize the event in any way but did Blake need his hometown and the Library of the school to tell her that story?  I think Becca could have visualized the event and the effect it had on Blake without sitting in the school’s Library.  Use the Hometown for something fun, Blake!

 

Done with the sad stuff Blake tells Becca he has a surprise for her.  They head to the school’s auditorium where it’s jam packed with every person in town between the ages of 14-18.  They probably even bused in some kids from the next county to really fill it up.  There’s a person on stage by the name of Betty Who or something like that.  Apparently, this is Becca’s most fave singer.  I’m not the hippest person but I do have Pop 40 on my truck radio and never heard of her.  Becca however totes digs her and knows every song.  She is fired up Betty Who is in this random high school auditorium in nowhere Colorado. 

 

Let’s recount Blake’s hometown visit so far – 1)  Visiting old teachers and coaches, 2) Telling of a dramatic event in the Library, and 3) Becca’s favorite singer in the school’s auditorium.  If you want to know why this show isn’t even close to reality this is the best example.  Who does a Hometown ten years after graduating and pulls this off?  NOBODY!!!  I blame the producers.

 

That evening Blake and Becca go to meet Blake’s parents.  I was actually wondering how they’d handle this considering the story Blake told about his mom having the affair while in high school.  He mentioned it briefly in the Library and it sounded like it spanned 3 years.  At whoever’s house it seemed totally fine as both of his parents were there with someone else.  Obviously everyone is at peace with what happened.  Either that or they bit the bullet to get some airtime on national TV.  The only thing remotely interesting about the visit with Blake’s parents was talking about how he’d had his heart broken.  I quasi remember something about Blake having his heart broken but it didn’t seem all that traumatic.  Either way your son is on a reality show that’s about a quest for love.  If his heart isn’t ready for real love like this franchise offers you don’t need to be going to the casting call.  The Bachelor and Bachelorette is a full contact sport for love so you’re either ready or you’re not.  If you’re not, stay home.  Nobody has time for a weak heart on this show.  Blake tells Becca goodbye and it’s clear there’s no front runner anymore.  I think Blake and Jason are sitting even after Hometowns so far.

 

Cutie Colton gets the last crack at Hometowns.  They start off in a mall of some sorts where they buy gifts for kids at a Children’s Hospital.  When they get to the hospital there’s a cute little boy and girl they interact with.  There’s not much here except there was black tape on the basketball they gave the boy.  Wanna know why they put black tape on the basketball?  Sponsorship money.  ABC didn’t want the name and logo on the basketball shown on air for fear it would piss off a sponsor.  This is the world we live in.  People are visiting sick children and because it’s all about the money a sick kid gets a half assed basketball with tape from the production crew on it.  I can imagine the kids response, “Oh, cool!  A basketball!!!  Why is there tape on it???”  The producers to the kid, “Don’t worry about why.  Just make sure it doesn’t fall off or you won’t get to keep it when we leave here.”  Money matters more than kids, people.

 

We meet Colton’s family which is about as big of a train wreck as it gets.  It’s not really all that bad but compared to the others it offers the most drama.  Becca keeps referencing how “inexperienced” Colton is.  She means from a relationship standpoint but obviously the producers love that it also references the fact he’s a virgin.  There’s no mistake why Becca never qualifies what she means by “inexperienced.”  Without Colton’s virginity this season offers nothing entertaining.  The producers want to make sure nobody forgets it.

 

I’ll just bullet point the best part about the visit with Colton’s folks:

 

  • Becca and Colton’s mom talking about the fact he’s never been laid.  Seriously.  On a television show a mother is having to talk to a female her son is “dating” about the fact he’s never done the dirty.  Becca clearly would like to see Colton’s “family maker” and there she is talking to his mother about it.  I love this show just for these awkward moments.
     

  • Colton’s dad blows the whole thing up.  Becca is clearly on the fence about Colton compared to the others and dad basically puts the bullet in his son’s relationship for him.  In many ways it’s admirable protecting his son but sometimes you just got to let them experience some pain to grow.  I kind of get the feeling Colton hasn’t made a lot of decisions on his own in his life thanks to his dad.
     

  • Colton brings up Tia to his dad.  His dad tells him how proud he is for being honest.  WHAT THE EFF Y’ALL???  Why is Tia such a big storyline here?  They spent EXACTLY ONE weekend with together.  Colton is 26 years old.  Does he tell his folks about every single date he has with someone?  It’s not like he’s 16 having to get permission for every girl he goes out with.  Maybe he does which explains why he’s still a virgin.  He’s never submitted the proper paperwork to his parents to get laid.  BTW – I looked on the ABC website to confirm Colton’s age and in his headshot he’s wearing the black jacket and pinkish t-shirt from Hometown.  That’s like the third or fourth time we’ve seen that jacket in combo with a similar shirt.  Does he not have any other clothes or just likes that look?  I think he’s a product of some marketing advisors trying to get him a career after football like Jordan Rodgers.
     

They say goodbye and Colton is now the smitten one with Becca but it’s pretty clear Becca isn’t as smitten as she was before.  At this point I put Colton on the fence with Garrett for going home.  Jason has made up that much ground.

 

Back in Los Angeles, Becca has her pack of ladies from Arie’s season to confer with.  She’s telling us all about the guys and tells the ladies Jason is the most amazing kisser.  She’s flat out gushing about how great of a kisser he is.  Kudos to Jason and I hope he wins at this point.  If not, how is the fella Becca picks going to feel when he watches this show and sees his “fiancé” gushing about how great of a kisser the guy she didn’t pick is?  I’m sure that won’t ever create an awkward moment.  It’s just amazing how even the candidate can’t think two steps ahead on this show sometimes.

 

Becca starts talking about Colton and we quickly realize the pack of girls is just a Trojan Horse so Tia can be brought in to talk about Colton.  Tia asks Becca if they can talk privately.  Becca says sure and they go outside awkwardly finding a place to sit.  When they sit down Tia tells Becca that upon hearing Colton’s name she realizes she still has feelings for him.  DO WHAT???  First off Tia, that’s not your spot to tell Becca you have feelings for Colton.  This ain’t your show.  Second off, HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR COLTON???  It was one weekend and y’all just kissed.  Sure, Colton’s a total cutie but surely there’s someone in Arkansas that can grab your attention.  Is Arkansas that devoid of eligible bachelors?  If it is, you can find some fella to grab your attention on social media just like Colton did.  You need to move on from Mr. Cutie as there’s someone else out there for you, sweetie.

 

This whole Colton/Tia thing is way too fishy and because I care about you my readers I did some Internet searching.  I found this article which breaks it out better than I can do here.  It’s DEFINITELY a fishy situation.  It’s either driven by the producers since Becca is so boring or Tia and Colton aren’t being completely honest in the time they spent together.  I think Tia was going to be The Bachelorette before Arie went back to Lauren.

 

https://betches.com/a-timeline-of-tia-and-coltons-relationship-wtf-actually-happened/

 

We head to the Rose Ceremony and Becca is pretending to be very perplexed.  She’s doing a good job selling it because it seems Colton is going home.  She appears to have a questionable connection with him at this point compared to the others.  Add in the bullet his dad put in their relationship along with Tia kicking the lifeless corpse just to make sure it’s dead and Colton never had a chance after Hometowns.  The best part is when Colton follows the producer’s orders asking Chris Harrison if he actually has to have intercourse in the Fantasy Suite because ideally, he just wants to cuddle and spoon.  Chris Harrison in only the way Chris Harrison can deadpans the talk it’s a big boy conversation Colton will need to have with Becca.  We head to the Rose Ceremony where Becca picks Blake and Jason first.  Not a surprise and I don’t think it’s any coincidence she left Garrett and Colton for the last rose.  Chris Harrison comes in and clarifies the single rose sitting there is in fact the last rose.  The person who doesn’t get it is going home.  Thanks, Harrison.  I don’t know what they’re paying Harrison but they need to double his salary.  He didn’t do a damn thing for two hours but he NAILED his two parts in the Rose Ceremony like a damn pro.  He’s carrying this whole show right now.

 

Becca in fact gives the last rose to Garrett.  Becca is sending the best-looking fella home after Hometowns so she’s a little different than Arie.  Colton is surprised just like anyone would be in that situation.  Becca walks him out throwing his dad under the bus for the reason he’s going home.  Take that, Colton’s Dad.  You’re at fault here.  They say their goodbyes and Becca keeps telling us how hard the decision was.  Becca, sweetie, I’ve got news for you.  If you thought that was hard there’s two other fellas you still have to say goodbye to.  There won’t be a parent with a gun to end the relationship and pretty sure Tia won’t be there either to make sure it’s dead.  You’re gonna have to put on your big girl britches and make the decisions on your own now.  Love ain’t easy on The Bachelorette!

 

They’re headed to some “amazing” place in Thailand to continue this adventure.  I’ve never even heard of the place.  Wherever it is must have offered a sweet financial package to heard there.  Let’s hope it means any gifts given to sick children won’t be half assed.  Either way, we’re just two short weeks away from Becca finding true love!!!!

 

In case you’re wondering I’ve decided to remain pure and not find a spoiler on who Becca picks.  I’m so intrigued by Jason right now.  I want the producers and only the producers to guide me down the magical path.  They’ve got me hooked with their fancy editing and storylines.

 

 

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