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Week 4 of The Damn Thing

I've been busy the last three weeks spending a week on a rig offshore in South America, playing softball last week, and jury duty this week. I've watched the last 3 episodes randomly over that time. I'm going to combine the last three episodes into one post sorry for the length of this. There's a lot to cover for 3 episodes.

Before anything else, if you're watching this show and didn't fist pump when you saw the 2 x 1 involves Jordan and David you need to see a doctor. Something is CLEARLY wrong with you. The Producers have been setting this thing up since the first night and it's all coming to fruition. I've only watched the last couple of years (started Ben's season) but this is without a doubt the most DRAMATIC 2 x 1 ever. Chad Bear and that short Marine was set up pretty well but it was one sided. Shorty was nothing compared to Chad Bear. I feel like this is two equals ready to go at each other. Sure, Jordan is the draw but David loves trading punches with Jordan. I almost feel like David is a plant by the Producers. They've just been sparring since the first night. He's not even worried about Becca and just focused on Jordan.

The dude fell off a bunk bed and wrecked his face. Did he ask to go home? Nope. He saddled up and got back to that mansion as soon as he could. He was totally hopped up on meds and could barely talk to Becca because his face was so numb. His face was still broken but he was back at the mansion. I'm guessing the Producers told the hospital to do whatever it takes to get David back walking and talking because the show needs him. I wouldn’t be shocked if there were steroids, illegal stem cell, and medicinal marijuana involved to get him back so soon. Thanks Producers. We deserve this 2 x 1 and you're making it happen. Can. Not. Wait.

As for the rest of the show I think Becca had some coaching from Arie. Chick is flat out getting her flirt on. If you haven't kissed Becca at this point you're hosed. Just take it on home because you have no chance. She's like Arie on the group dates where if you're alone she's kissing you just because. On her 1 x 1s she hasn't half assed one guy yet. EVERY dude has received a date rose. She could have totally half assed Chris and Wills but she was all up on them like she was really interested. We know she's not. Arie was half assing 1 x 1s by the third week but Becca is full steam ahead kissing anyone and everyone. At this point I'm fully expecting her to kiss Chris Harrison out of confusion because he's a man in a suit talking to her.

Before we get to the most recent episode let's talk about some of the guys overall:

Jordan/David – I feel like at this point they're a package deal. Jordan is carrying a good portion of this show but David is right there with him being his antagonist. Jordan is pure gold right now. He's basically Corrine and Chad Bear rolled up into one. He's got the moxie of Chad Bear but the lines of Corrine. He's simply marvelous. David is right there just needling him along taking him to a level that Chad Bear and Corrine couldn’t get to by themselves. Kind of sad this duo ends in Week 5 but something burning this hot isn't going to burn forever.

Lincoln – I'm sure most of you have seen the news about his sexual assault or whatever. Even before that you had to question his character. He cheated in the “marriage” race getting out of the ice barrel too soon and then cried like a little bitch when the picture he was taunting got thrown out the window. Sure, not a cool move to throw it like that but own it when it happens. Then he went and cried to Becca like an even bigger bitch. Snitches get stitches, Lincoln. Obviously you got yours.

Blake – The dude appears to have had an awesome first 1 x 1 with Becca setting up himself nicely. I really like Blake but he has some serious self-doubt that I think is going to bite him in the ass down the line. If he can gain some confidence he'll be Final 3 for sure if not Final 2. I haven't read ahead but my money is on Colton and Garrett as the Final 2. We shall see. Stop with the smirks you cheaters that have read ahead and know I'm wrong or right.

Leo – We all know Leo isn't getting the Final Rose and likely won't even make Hometowns but he had a Herculean effort in dodge ball. That man bun is gonna get him though. Real Fact – No dude sporting a man bun has made it past Week 5. Maybe Leo sets the record getting to Week 6 but he's not long for this show. I wish him well though. He seems like a good guy.

Colton – Everything about Colton fascinates me. I want to read up on him but I feel I'm going to get a show spoiler if I run a Google search. Before the show started I saw he dated Aly Raisman by sliding into her Insta DMs. During the show we learn he “dated” Tia. WTF Colton? Of course this causes Becca to do a WTF as well but let's focus on the Tia/Colton relationship first. Based on what was said on the show they basically “dated” for a weekend and only kissed. She was in Arkansas and he was in Denver. To complicate things they dated before Arie's season even aired. How in the hell did he know who Tia was prior to her being on TV? She lived in nowhere Arkansas and he's hitting up her Insta DMs? Tia's cute and all but Colton is scoring Aly Raisman on Insta DMs. Why did he go after Tia? Nobody knew who she was prior to Arie’s season. There must be a whole underground Insta DM network the Producers keep going. It's totally The Bachelor farm system I think where everyone is waiting for their call up to the Big Show.

When Becca learns of Colton and Tia dating it throws her for a major loop. For good reason. She's all confused if he's really on the show for her or Tia. Um, Becca, he's not on the show for either of you. He's on the show for some more Insta fame so he can work more DMs of the ladies. In only the way Becca can she needs to have formal talks with both Tia and Colton about things. Getting some half ass explanations from both she decides it's safe to proceed. My favorite part of the Tia and Colton seeing each other was Tia giving Colton the, “Hey Cutie. If Becca ain't your thing I'm still available” when she saw him walk in. Even better was when Becca stone cold forgot Jason's name after introducing Colton because he brain was so wired trying to determine if there was still anything between Colton and Tia. Later during the group date she tells Jason she has a crush on him and kisses him. Jason gets all giddy not realizing he just got sympathy played by Becca. Sorry Jason but you're chopped liver to Colton's dry aged filet. Becca is COMPETELY smitten with Colton it's not even funny. She's probably not aware but this is completely how Arie felt about Lauren the whole show.

One final thing on Colton that fascinates me is he claims to a virgin. Kudos to him but what in the world is a virgin doing sliding into all these chicks Insta DMs? Don't you slide into someone's Insta DMs because you think they're attractive and want to get horizontal with them? I think that's how it works but don't know for sure. I can't imagine Tim Tebow sliding into any girl's Insta DMs so what is Colton doing? Sure, he's not the celebrity Tim Tebow but still. He's “dating” girls cross country based on sliding into their Insta DMs and he's not even banging them. You live in Denver and not nowhere Wyoming, Colton. I'm sure there's LOTS of attractive girls in Denver that would love to get ice cream with you while staring at your former QB good looks not having to worry about giving it up. I don't think Colton is a bad guy but there's something about him I don't trust when it comes to really being interested in Becca long term. He's headed to 30's Vortex with no real interest in getting married because he's so successful with the Insta DMs. Especially after this show. He's going to be like Jordan on Tinder.

Speaking of, how in the HELL did Jordan score 4,000 chicks on Tinder in a year? There's no way. There. Is. No. Way. Are there even 4,000 girls in his demo in any city in this country? The math doesn’t work out. He's bluffing but I do like his moxie. I'm gonna miss him the most when he eventually gets the boot.

Week 4;

We started off Week 4 with the third Rose Ceremony. During the cocktail hour we have Jordan dropping one liners left and right. Anyone notice the dude only drinks champagne? I'm almost positive I've never seen him with anything but a flute of champs in his hand. Makes sense. I bet the dude loves crushing brunch like he loves crushing Tinder and photo shoots.

David comes back and Jordan just starts railing on his face. It's mean but his comment on David's face were hilarious. The best was when he said it looked like a Picasso painting because a little bit was over here and a little bit was over there. Solid. Becca gives David a pity rose because the Producers told her he needed to stay for two more weeks and needed rest. This fires up Jordan even more which was all part of the plan.

At the Rose Ceremony we don’t even know the names of the two guys who don’t get roses. Seriously. I think they've just been on the couch at the mansion the entire time. One guy had some really solid hair so he needs to work on his personality. When you've got a mop like that guy and you can't make it past Week 3 of The Bachelor there's some sharpening you need to do on your game. I don't even think those guys had departing comments after they hugged Becca bye. The Producers told them they had enough with Jordan and David so they could just get in the van to the airport.

The first 1 x 1 was with Garrett. Garrett got the first impression rose but we really hadn't seen much of him since. Garrett makes up lots of ground during the “fun” part of the date shopping and riding in a bobsled. After riding in the bobsled Becca tells Garrett he reminds her so much of her father because he does manly things and she's never dated anyone like him. To the best of our knowledge Becca has dated Ross and Arie. Yeah, it's not much of a leap to say Garrett is different than them. Arie raced cars and Ross lifted them. Garrett is kind of normal compared to those two.

On the dinner date Garrett “casually” drops he's divorced. By “casually” I mean he just kind of calmly drops it in like maybe Becca won't notice. They’re talking and he says he was “married” to a girl. “Married” is past tense for marriage and implies a divorce. Becca obviously picks up on this and asks for more deets. He says something like, “One thing led to another and we got divorced” like marriage and divorce happens and it's no big deal. Becca clearly not satisfied with that asks for more deets. He then explains they dated for 1.5 years out of college, 1 year of engagement, and then 2 months of marriage. Do what, Garrett? Y'all were together for 2.5 years before the marriage and two months into the marriage y'all called it quits? Becca is even more confused.

They have some conversation pretending to understand everything that happened and it's cool. Meanwhile you can tell Becca is still getting over the shock he's been married and can't even process the half ass explanation he gave. Her head is filled with so many questions it's about to crash and reboot. Garrett with his man brain thinks everything is explained away and asks, “What scares you?” Um, dumbass, right now Becca is scared to death about the fact you were married and gave a half ass explanation. That's what scares her. Becca tells him she wants him to tell her everything. Garrett's like, “I just told you everything” because that's how a man's brain works. It'll get sorted out as Garrett got the rose so he's good for now.

They leave dinner and hit this restaurant/bar where there's Granger Smith having a concert looking like a Backstreet Boy. How the hell did Granger Smith get on The Bachelorette? He has a strong Internet following with Earl Dibbles along with some songs on the radio but most people don't know who he is. Becca says dancing with Garrett to Granger Smith is like a dream come true. Granger Smith went to my college and I'm from Texas and barely know who he is. Becca is clearly working on her acting skills. She didn’t know anything about him before that moment. Kudos to Granger for getting some national exposure but my money is on Chris Harrison being behind his appearance on the show. Either way Garrett looks in great shape going forward but he needs to get that divorce story tightened up and sold better to Becca.

For the group date they take everyone else but Wills which means he'll get the 1 x1 date later. They head to the mountains of Utah where they have a Lumberjack competition sponsored by Stihl. For those of you that don't know what Stihl is it's a commercial line of power equipment. It's for professionals. You can't even get Stihl at Lowe's or Home Depot because they only sell them at places that can service them. Pretty sure people that make a living using Stihl equipment aren't watching this show. Kudos to whoever sold Stihl on the sponsorship. At the same time Stihl needs to fire some people from their marketing department.

The competition for the most part is uneventful. It's dudes doing dude stuff and nobody truly embarrassed themselves. Well, not any more than they've embarrassed themselves already on the show. Some guy named John was the real hero getting his 15 minutes of fame. Good for John. Maybe now he can slide into someone's Insta DMs because he's not going to be sliding into Becca's pants ever. It's the little battles, John.

At the cocktail hour Jordan does what Jordan does and gets everyone stirred up. He breaks out the golden briefs the Producers made Becca give him and puts on a show. Becca doesn't even want to kiss him. It's so clear he's only there because of the Producers at this point. She's macking with everyone else but she clearly has no interest in the boy model wearing the gold underwear she gave him. I'm not even mad Producers. He's being set up for a trip to Bachelor in Paradise and everyone is nodding in agreement. Jordan stirs everyone up so much it rattles Colton. Colton hasn't been rattled yet this whole show but Jordan breaks him down. Colton takes Jordan aside accusing him of being there for the wrong reasons. Have you ever heard the story of rocks and glass houses, Colton? Let's be careful on accusations of not being there for Becca's heart.

The best part of this whole show is when Jean Blanc decides to go heavy handed on Becca. He knows he's got ground to make up despite previously getting a group date rose. He gives her some perfume he made just for her and then says some jumbled words. Becca is utterly confused and tells him she is. Jean Blanc sits there and decides to double down saying he's falling for her. Becca even more confused and now spooked sits there in silence. It's clear Jean Blanc is toast. Becca realizing she can't reciprocate his “feelings” thinks it's best that he go because they're so far apart. Standard Bachelor/ette practice starting around this point. On the way out Jean Blanc asks about the perfume. Becca responds like any girl who really didn't care about a gift with, “Yeah, what about it?” Jean Blanc kind of wants it back along with his words so he tells her he wasn’t really falling for her and just said that.

At this point Becca STARTS QUESTIONING THE WHOLE THING. BECCA IS NOW LOST ON WHAT'S REAL AND WHAT'S NOT REAL IN HER QUEST FOR LOVE. SHE'S SO LOST ON THE DAMN THING RIGHT NOW!!!! Jean Blanc said words that weren’t sincere like this whole thing is some kind of game for her heart. Becca goes back to all the fellas and tells them if they're not there for true love they need to get their shit together or get gone. BECCA AIN'T PLAYING AROUND FELLAS!!! TIGHTEN YOUR SHIT UP!!! THIS IS FOR HER HEART AND NOT SOME GAME!!!! So distraught she says there's no rose and she's going home for the evening. She needs some time alone. The “contestants” sit there with their mouths open like something dramatic just happened. Just The Bachelor/ette franchise doing what it does, y'all.

Next up is Becca's date with Wills. I'll be honest I didn't even know who Wills was. Before the date we get some introspection with Becca. 4th show she drops the line EVERY candidate says of, “It's harder than I ever expected.” A little early than some drop it but it's a standard statement. She also says she’s scared she won't ask the right questions because she thought she had a lifelong partner in Arie and that wasn’t real. Really Becca? You got all these fellas vying for your attention and Arie is still on your brain? Move on from that clown. The female brain fascinates me how the past is such a big player for the future. Just. Let. It. Go.

Because Wills is such a great guy he gets Becca back on track. Poor Wills is totally a “rebound” for Becca thanks to Jean Blanc but he gets a rose and a kiss. It means nothing for him long term other than he gets to stay around another week and have a first hand seat for the most dramatic 2 x 1 ever. Wills earned that rose for getting Becca “back on track.”

For the Rose Ceremony Becca decides there's no pre-ceremony cocktails which of course gives Chris Harrison a stiffie. Harrison lives for the moment of telling the contestants things are in such disarray there will be no booze and they'll have to suffer the Rose Ceremony stone cold sober. Harrison informing everyone they're headed straight for the Rose Ceremony never disappoints. The guys all say Becca isn’t messing around anymore. No it doesn’t dumbasses. It just means she’s at a point she already knows her Final 3. Along with the Producers picks there’s no point in chit chat to see who stays. We’re beginning the process of eliminating the people who have ZERO chance. It’s not dramatic. It’s more like mercy killings.

Becca shows up and starts handing out roses. They save Jordan for the end which makes him think he's the last guy on the list. Dude. You're being played by the Producers at this point. You're just theater and you're falling for their bait. Becca thinks you're a clown but we love you because of your sponge comment along with all of your other comments. You're pure gold, buddy. Just like that underwear.

Getting sent home are Nick and Christon. I guess Nick should have worn his track suit again and Christon should have dunked on someone. I really don't care about either of them. Jordan and David survived which means NEXT WEEK IS THE MOST DRAMATIC 2 X 1 EVER AND THIS TIME THEY MEAN IT!!! Set your DVRs, kids. Television gold with Jordan and David is a Monday night away.

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