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Week 1 of The Damn Thing

I wasn’t sure if I was going to blog about Becca’s season as I was worried it might be pretty boring. I like Becca a lot as I think she’s smart, beautiful, and has her shit together. Basically, she’s not crazy which drives the entertainment of this show. Let’s think about her reaction to two things in Arie’s season – 1) Ross and 2) The Break-Up. Yes, that’s two Jennifer Anniston references so feel free to high five me next time you see me. As for Becca last season, she’s falling for a guy and her former boyfriend shows up out of nowhere IN PERU in a wrinkled suit, sculpted hair, and some flowers. How does Becca respond? She simply says, “Hey Ross” and sits on a step having the calmest conversation ever. No emotion and no wavering from where she’s headed even though a major blast from the past showed up out of nowhere. After that she “wins” Arie’s heart only to have him tell her months later he’s still in love with someone else. He wants to break of their “engagement.” How does she handle that? With a little more emotion but still completely cool. She sits there and just takes it all in while shedding some tears and needing to walk around. She doesn’t become fanatical throwing things or going on a profanity laced tirade like normal people would. Just a few F bombs here and there but that’s it. She calmly takes her “fiancé” breaking off their engagement in stride with minimal emotion. It was amazing.

Because of those two things I assumed her season would be boring. She’s not going to offer any drama so figured I’d quit watching after 2-4 episodes. I didn’t plan on writing anything until a couple shows in if the show had promise. Lucky for you (or unlucky) two things worked towards me writing this. First, the producers appear to have done an amazing job picking out some guys that can offer some real entertainment. Second, I’m currently on a 5 ½ hour flight. I’m bored off my ass but writing about the Bachelorette brings me some amusement so let’s talk about Becca’s first episode. This is all from memory since I don’t have WIFI I can’t look up the “contestants” names or anything else. I also didn’t take my normal notes. I’m totally winging it.

Becca and Episode 1 was about what I expected for her. She was her normal self and ready to do the damn thing. She’s clearly over Arie which shouldn’t have taken more than 30 minutes after he moped out the door. She understands the process of the show and is ready for everything. Before meeting all the fellas she met with Kaitlyn (sp?), Jojo, and Rachel. All three of these girls have had “successful engagements” from the franchise we love so much. They give her some tips and then break out a big doobie they say is full of “sage” to help get the bad juju out of the Bachelor Mansion. Um, there’s not a doobie full of sage big enough to get all the bad juju out of that place. It’s cursed and quite honestly, we’re all glad it is. When stupid things happen in the mansion we’re all happier for it. I did find it ironic all of those girls are with the guy who got their first impression rose and had their first kiss. Goes to show sometimes you know it right away when you see it. Will Becca hold serve? We shall see.

The first guy that showed up was a former NFL player named Colton. It’s important to note he’s not just a former professional athlete but a quarterback. Those guys get all the babes. Even a doofus like Jordan Rodgers can score a babe like Jojo. We’d seen Colton earlier when he was showcased because he’s handsome, has a good smile, loves puppies, and has a non-profit that gives children with some disease a vest. I think it’s cystic fibrosis but thanks to Trump’s embargo for WIFI on international flights I can’t check. Either way he checks all the boxes of what women say they want in a man. Colton also has a great introduction with the confetti poppers. It’s clear Becca is smitten right away.

The order of the rest of the guys I can’t remember. The guys that stand out are the guys that brought something that reminded her of Arie. Um, do what? These guys are total morons. You PURPOSEFULLY brought something to remind a girl of her ex fiancé you’re looking to “win”? If this were Monopoly they’d go automatically to the center of the 30’s Vortex as they’re morons. I mean complete morons. You want her focused on your future with you and not looking back. I think one of these guys got a rose that but he won’t last long.

One bold memorable entrance was the guy in the Mini-Van. I thought it was a little moronic because most women don’t find Mini-Vans sexy but Becca is not most women. She’s made it clear she’s ready for a family including kids. I think that’s a major reason Arie picked her. She kind of dug the Mini-Van as that guy wound up getting the first impression rose. He also got major points for being from Minnesota. Maybe he’s not from there and it was just that he hunted and fished. I can’t remember but Becca did those things with her dad growing up so she’s totally cool with all that.

Another memorable entrance was Blake on his ox. This was the guy who brought the horse to the After the Rose show so he clearly is comfortable with animals. He has Becca’s attention but it remains to be seen if he’s a closer as he didn’t get the first impression rose. Let’s face it if you break out a horse and ox in back to back introductions without getting the first impression rose there’s something missing in her eyes. He seems like a likable guy but I think he’s a long shot for Becca at this point. I think Blake’s best play is to see how long he can last on the show to get his Insta followers up and hope some hot girl slides into his DMs wanting to jump his bones. Well, if Blake is into that sort of thing. Maybe he’s looking for true love. If that’s the case I don’t think it’s happening with Becca.

Other than Mr. Chicken and Mr. Cologne I can’t remember any other major impressions being made as the fellas got introduced. I must give Mr. Chicken props because he stood out. These guys don’t realize they’re a dime a dozen. Unless you’re a former quarterback that helps children in need you need to plan on something more than just a nice suit and sculpted hair. You need to do something that’s a little memorable. I can’t remember if the Harlem Globetrotter did anything out of the ordinary when he first showed up. He certainly made his impression by dunking over Becca later that night. There was also the “Social Media Whatever” dude that wanted Becca to meet him at 50/50. It was clever but when he pushed it to 60/40 he’d gone too far and was complete toast. Take your pass to the middle of the Vortex, buddy.

I realized some of the magic the producers pulled off when the showed inside the house where the guys were mingling. They basically found the finalists from Jojo’s season. I’m dead serious. The one guy looks like Jordan Rodgers except shorter. I mean same damn eyes, chin, and hair. I think the producers told him, “Hey, don’t worry about your hair. Just grow it out. We’ll cut and style it the day before the show.” It’s the exact same do as Jordan but the part is on the opposite side I think. This way they can pretend they don’t know what they did. If Jojo is watching she’s trying to figure out when Jordan was in California for a second taping of the Bachelorette. He has some promise too as he has some “confidence” going on.

By far my favorite is the guy actually named Jordan. He appears to be a real male model. Don’t know if he makes money doing it but he has the look and terminology down. The best part is he looks like Robby from Jojo’s season but has the confidence and lack of self-awareness like the Chad Bear. Damn I miss Chad Bear. Either way somehow the producers pulled getting two guys that are physical copies of the finalists in Jojo’s season. Let’s not underrate what they pulled off here. Simply remarkable. Robby Jr. holds some REAL promise as he’s got the perfect mental makeup of Chad Bear, Corrine, and a little Krystal thrown in. I see a big future for Robby Jr. this season. I think the producers have already told Becca he’s protected until right before hometowns.

As for the other guys there’s some bit players in here. The guy that looks like a sinister Ben Stiller has some promise. He’s the guy right off the bat that starts drama because he “happens” to be friends with a girl that dated another guy on the show. That girl texted him the other guy was on the show for the “wrong” reasons. I bet they somehow met on the Insta. By “somehow” I mean the producers told her to connect with him on the Insta and then text him those deets. The Insta is a major player in Bachelor/ette drama I have a feeling. It’s a like a whole underground world we don’t even know about. Well, unless you regularly read stuff about this franchise on the Internet. I don’t have the time for that believe it or not.

Sinister Ben Stiller (SBS) decides night one he needs to confront this guy about the “wrong” reasons. Half the people have no clue the reason they’re on this show so what is the “wrong” reason? The first rule of Bachelor Playbook 101 is NEVER worry about someone else unless you absolutely have to. This guy decides to worry about someone else on night one. After SBS confronted the guy he then decides he needs to tell Becca about it. Do what? I’m normally all for getting in front of something but this is night one when Becca is looking for reasons to eliminate people. Let that sleeping dog lay and if SBS brings it up later address it then. No need to bring it up on night one. He brought it up with Becca and she was completely confused. She doesn’t even know the guy and can’t remember his name like me right now. That’s how memorable he is. I did like when he said, “I’m surprised it didn’t come from one of the two of the girls I dated long term.” Notice Becca picked up on that right away. Girls aren’t stupid, guys. They detect EVERYTHING which can be good and bad. SBS wound up getting a rose and the other guy didn’t which I think is for the best. SBS looks like a guy who likes to stir up drama and the other guy was kind of lame so he needed to go anyway.

There is also Mr. Hair. I can’t even remember his name but apparently he’s a stunt type person. I think he’s just a body double for people with hair like his. His sole game appears to be height and hair. It’s a great bit and offers some entertainment on the first night. He’s not long for this show but he’ll serve his role and move on. I'm not even sure he talked to Becca on the first night.

The final guy I’ll talk about is Jake. The producers seem to be pulling people that are already known into each season. They did it with Nick and Rachel but I can’t remember if they did it with Arie. Doesn’t matter. Arie can’t remember who he met yesterday. Jake is from Minneapolis just like Becca and they’ve run into each other a time or two. Jake only remembers one time which is part of the problem. I couldn’t figure out if Becca was interested in him from back home or was more of the mindset she’d seen him around a couple of times and it wasn’t there for her. Either way Jake COMPLETELY botched it. Becca pulls him aside to address the elephant in the room they’d seen each other out and knew each other through friends but Jake never made a move. Becca mentions more than one instance of seeing him and Jake can only remember one time. Um, Jake, girls like to be memorable. If you had a shot you basically told Becca she’s not memorable. He’s pretty much done at that point but he decides to dig himself a bigger hole. I believe his one shot to hang around was to tell Becca he remembered seeing her out and always had a crush on her but didn’t have the guts to ask her out. It’s a long shot but telling someone you have a crush on them is as good of a play as any. Especially if it’s true. Instead of playing the crush card or complementing her he says something like, “Well, it’s been a year of transition for me but I’m in a good place now.” Becca ain’t got time for that shit, Jake. She’s already been dumped by a dude who wasn’t sure what he wanted. She’s got no time for your silly ass. Becca sends him directly home. My favorite is the fear the “contestants” show when someone gets sent home before the Rose Ceremony. People go home on this show y’all. That’s the whole point of the show. That’s one less person at the Rose Ceremony so you should be celebrating. Instead they gasp for air like it’s a big deal. Likely because they know they don’t have their shit together and it’s only a matter of time before they go home as well.

As for who all got roses and didn’t I can’t completely remember. Mr. Social Media and Mr. SBS Victim went home. Most of the guys that didn’t get roses complained about Mr. Chicken getting one. Come on fellas. Don’t blame Mr. Chicken. You apparently have ZERO game or any memorable quality. Mr. Chicken is just playing the game you obviously have no clue about.

The preview for the rest of the season made the show intriguing. Robby Jr. shows great promise as does SBS. Apparently Becca becomes victim to the curse of the show falling in love with two people. Looks like Colton is one of them which is not surprising. He’s a former quarterback and those guys just ooze babe attractant. This whole being the Bachelor/ette is not as easy as you think, Becca dear.

Not sure if I’ll keep writing my recap every week as I have softball on Monday nights now. That’s right. Keeping my Man Card intact by doing man things on Monday nights rather than watching the Bachelorette in real time. It’s not even co-ed. Just dudes getting sweaty and doing athletic things. You know the drill. Maybe I’ll quarterback a flag football team to see if I can ooze babe attractant. I’ll set the DVR and try to watch it on Tuesday nights assuming it’s worth watching. If not, I’ll find the spoilers on the Internet to find out what happens and tune my focus to Bachelor in Paradise later this summer. BiP is where it’s at anyway.

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