I’m not even sure where to begin on the “Fantasy Suite” episode. Like Hometowns these usually have some pretty good drama because there’s sexual tension. It’s either pent up and ready to go or there’s major apprehension. In typical Arie fashion it was neither and just kind of ho hum. I really do like Arie and think he’s a genuinely good guy but we watch this show for fireworks. Ever since Krystal got dismissed it’s tailed off dramatically. Thank goodness for the Women Tell All. If you missed that you need to watch it. It was awesome. Just 2 hours of great television. So much so I couldn’t even keep up to write about it.
Back to the “Fantasy Suite” episode of Arie’s season there wasn’t any drama. I don’t think he even had Bill Clinton Sex with any of these women. I really don’t. He definitely didn’t have it with Kendall because they couldn’t even tell each other the “L Word.” Surely Becca didn’t knock it out with Arie in a glorified teepee in the desert. There was NO real privacy there because you know there was a crew around somewhere considering they had an elaborate breakfast the next morning. Plus, it’s not like the producers can leave them all alone in the desert in a tent. There was no privacy so I’m going with they didn’t. Oh, and there was no apparent bathroom to clean up after. I suppose it’s possible he and Lauren B knocked boots but considering Arie had to tell her he loved her first I don’t think Lauren B was up for the task. They definitely had the best room to do it but the next morning they didn’t appear to have that “glow.” They just cooed some more and talked about how great it was talking the night before. Um, the Fantasy Suite is not for “talking.”
Because Arie went 0 for 3 in the Fantasy Suite the producers had to go to the bullpen. If you think Becca K’s ex boyfriend “magically” appeared out of nowhere you’re a fool. We’ll get to Ross in a little bit but without Ross I wouldn’t even be writing a recap. Until Ross showed up in his wrinkled suit and whatever shoes those were this episode sucked. It flat out sucked.
Kendall had the first date and it was typical Kendall and Arie. They looked like a normal couple having fun with each other not trying to rush things. They were just being themselves not worried about the stupid clock to get engaged. If it wasn’t for this show I think they’d wind up together but that’s not how The Bachelor works. We don’t watch for normal. We want drama! Arie and Kendall are just really cute together. Kendall is quite the catch for the right guy. Kendall just won’t be able to catch the other two girls despite the ground she’s made up. It’s obvious on the date.
Next up is Lauren B and Mute Lauren B is back. They’re flying in a plane looking at designs in the sand and Lauren B couldn’t be any less interested. She’s just sitting there like, “Whateva. I don’t care about this stupid plane and this stupid stuff.” There is ZERO chemistry or interest in the plane. This is every dude’s nightmare where you plan out a cool date and the girl has ZERO interest and just sits there. The pilot is probably wondering what’s wrong with that couple as most couples are usually excited over an outing like this. Welcome to The Bachelor, Mr. Pilot.
At dinner Arie and Lauren B are in their natural element of “talking” with meaningless words. Despite Lauren showing NO interest in the plane earlier today Arie tells her, “I’m crazy about you.” Lauren just kind of smiles. Arie wanting more decides to go all in her and tell Lauren he loves her. That’s right, Arie drops the “L Word” straight to Lauren with 2 other girls still in the picture. Lauren doesn’t immediately say she loves him back but eventually does and they make out. It’s VERY clear where Arie’s heart really is and it’s also VERY boring. The best part about the date with Lauren is Arie’s socks the morning after. Check out those things above. Looks like a dad telling his daughter goodbye. Common theme with Arie this season.
Next up is Becca K and she’s referring to Arie as her “boyfriend.” I thought “boyfriend” had a definition of exclusivity in most relationships but maybe things today have changed and nobody told me. They’re sailing on catamaran and Becca asks Arie if he has any concerns. Arie responds with “I can’t think of one big thing.” I guess telling Lauren you love her isn’t that big of a deal. We’ve got a “boyfriend” telling his “girlfriend” he’s got no big concerns about their relationship even though he told another girl he loves her the day before. Oh, The Bachelor. You never disappoint.
At dinner Becca floats a trial balloon saying “I love him” talking about Arie in third person. Arie doesn’t really bite on that so Becca tells him she loves him. Good move, Becca. Arie isn’t the brightest and he wasn’t picking up that you actually loved him. He was thinking about Lauren B. Hearing Becca loves him Arie tells her, “I’m not falling, I am.” He may love Becca but it’s CLEAR he loves Lauren B more. Arie and Becca decide to utilize the “Fantasy Suite” which in this instance is a glorified teepee in the desert. This is the least romantic “Fantasy Suite” ever. It’s a bunch of sand and no soft fluffy robes. No way they banged it out in that setting. Arie does say, “Part of me wants to propose here in the sand dunes.” Do what, Arie? Have you forgotten about Lauren or does sand and a teepee really peg out your romantic side? They wake up the next morning and have breakfast in the sand. I’m wondering if Arie called Grubhub or UberEats to get that there.
We’re an hour into the show and the Fantasy Suite dates are done. We’re all bored and have 60 minutes to kill so the producers go to the bullpen. Thank goodness because this show is done. In comes “Hotel Management” as Arie referred to the guy we’d learn is named Ross. This guy is in a mostly wrinkled suit complete with a pocket accent and tells Arie he is Becca K’s ex-boyfriend. Arie tells him to come inside. Makes perfect sense the next logical step is to invite the guy who’s there to steal one of your three girls into your room to talk. Arie and Ross sit in Arie’s room and have a “chat” about Becca. These two dudes are COMPLETELY calm and Arie is even sipping on some coffee. This is the most bizarre scene ever for two guys “fighting” over one girl. Ross tells Arie he loved Becca over 7 years and Arie tells Ross he loved her two months. Point, Arie. Arie tells Ross he needs to respect their relationship. That’s right. Arie and Becca are “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.” Respect that shit, Ross.
Ross decides he’s not going to respect that relationship and he’s going to win Becca’s heart. Arie calls the move “unclassy.” Um, Arie, this whole show is “unclassy.” Secretly Arie is excited because if Ross wins Becca back then he won’t have to call a timeout at the Rose Ceremony later trying to decide between Becca and Kendall since Lauren is a lock for a rose. Arie really should have said, “Good luck Hotel Management Ross! I’m actually pulling for you!”
Ross then gets in a car with a camera positioned on him as he rides to Becca’s room. That’s right, the guy who somehow “miraculously” found Arie’s room in Peru and originally said, “I don’t want to be on your stupid show” is now being given a ride to Becca’s room. The producers could have hired the camera crew from a better reality show to make it more realistic this wasn’t staged. At this point it’s clear the producers worked in cahoots to get Ross there because they know Arie and his girls are so damn boring.
Ross somehow finds Becca’s exact room and has some flowers to boot. Becca is not quite as shocked as I thought she would be. Becca’s ex of 7 years shows up in Peru and Becca is mostly like, “Hey Ross” with some F bombs throw in for effect. She asks Ross how he found her and he gives some convoluted answer about using the Internet. Seriously. It was the vaguest use of “using the Internet” to find an ex-girlfriend on a reality show in Peru ever. Ross doesn’t seem bright enough to use the Internet to find an ex living two counties over. I think what Ross really meant to say was, “So I applied for the next season of The Bachelorette and the producers somehow figured out I was your Ex. By “somehow” I mean I put it on the application thinking it would help. And boy did it. They called me last week and asked if I wanted to come here to get my reality career jump started so I said hell yeah. Oh, they got me these flowers to give you. Hope you like them. How’s you mom and the rest of the family?”
Becca and Ross “hash it out” in the least dramatic discussion ever for a moment like this. I don’t think Ross really wants Becca back and it’s clear Becca isn’t interested in bringing Ross back. They know the producers put them up to this with the promise Becca will be the next Bachelorette when Arie doesn’t give her the ring and told Ross he could hang out on a beach in Peru for the weekend. Looking at Ross I’m pretty sure his response was, “You’re gonna put me on TV and let me kick it at a beach in Peru for a weekend? All my suits need to go to the cleaners though as they’re kind of wrinkled. You cool with that? A pocket accent will fix that? Sweet! What time does my flight leave tomorrow?” No way in hell Ross is chasing Becca in the next county much less springing for an expensive flight to Peru. He couldn’t find Peru on a map if you gave him a South America map only.
Ross’ best actual lines were:
“I told the guy earlier” like he didn’t know Arie’s name even though they bro hugged goodbye.
“I wish you all the best. I have no business being here.” No, Ross. You have EVERY business being here. You just started your reality career with a bang and with those bulging muscles you’ll pick up something nice on the beach this weekend. That’s smart business, bro.
Becca then goes to Arie’s room because the producers made her. Arie tells Becca he’s concerned over it but doesn’t actually ask her what happened. If this was real life the dude would ask the question of what happened. When Becca said she did nothing and sent him on his way the dude should show some level of relief. Since this is a glorified wrestling script everyone is just going through the motions and doing a terrible job of selling it. In real life Becca handled Ross “mysteriously” appearing perfectly. Let’s break down what she did and didn’t do:
Didn’t let Ross into her room.
Didn’t hug Ross or even touch him.
Didn’t kiss Ross.
NEVER alluded to anything still being there between them.
Didn’t even touch the flowers the producers gave Ross.
Was COMPLETELY composed for the moment.
She dated Ross for SEVEN years and has been apart a year. She’s “dated” Arie for two months. In real life Becca is MUCH more emotional over a boyfriend of seven years showing up completely out of the blue in a remote location. No way any female handles that as calmly as Becca did. She’s focused on being The Bacelorette. Either way, being introduced to Ross was a true gift from the producers because Arie and the girls are super boring. It’s now your world, Ross. We’re just living in it from here on out.
We then hit the Rose Ceremony which I had completely forgotten about because of my new pal Ross. Plus, it’s the dumbest Rose Ceremony because we know Kendall is going home. Although it would be typical of Arie to tell two girls he loves them but not the third and then wind up keeping the third. Arie never disappoints so there’s still a chance for Kendall. Arie shows up to the Rose Ceremony and there’s a horse tied up that’s making horse sounds and then bells start going off. Is this a Rose Ceremony or the ending of a Mexican western?
Arie says some jibberish and then pulls his usual “timeout” to talk to Kendall alone. This time though he’s privately putting the bullet in Kendall’s head. She’s going home and they both know it. There’s some slight tears by Kendall and an expression-less face by Arie. He’s good at that. He then returns to the girls and has the Rose Ceremony where he does an actual Rose Ceremony where there’s two girls and two roses. Um, least dramatic Rose Ceremony ever? The best part is he kisses both girls on the lips when they accept the rose. You don’t kiss the two girls you’ve told you love on the lips in front of each other! I’ve only been watching this for two years but there’s ZERO excitement heading into the final episode because we know it’s going to be Lauren.
Chris Harrison keeps trying to sell us it’s going to be the “most dramatic” finale ever but I bet it won’t be that dramatic. By drama they mean Arie is going to do something stupid with one of the girls. He’ll probably call a timeout before giving the final rose. He’ll call Neil Lane to get the ring re-sized for the other girl he already dismissed. No, I haven’t read any spoilers but have to guess Arie changes his mind after calling a timeout. Timeouts are Arie’s thing.
Now, let’s go see what Ross is doing at the beach…
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