This episode reminded me of playing an average game of golf with some REALLY good holes. For most of the show it was ordinary but it was still The Bachelor and enjoyable. It just had moments where it seemed like things were going through the motions but there were some moments that completely dominated.
The first date was with Lauren B. We haven’t seen a ton of Lauren B so far but what we’ve seen Arie has a real interest. The reason for that is she’s smoking hot. While this episode shows it’s clear Arie is looking for some depth it’s pretty clear he’s analyzing the surface first. Lauren B’s surface might be the best of the bunch. The girl is really beautiful.
On the date it looks like two people who don’t even speak the same language walking around. They’re in freaking Paris holding hands while walking and Lauren B isn’t saying a damn thing. I mean not a damn thing. They cut to Arie and he says the most mature thing he’s ever said on this show as he tells us he needs a connection with Lauren B beyond a pretty face. At this point I think he means conversation instead of a connection but let’s not split hairs. I mean the girl has gone from 20 questions last week to basically being a mute.
Before we get to their dinner we get a cut back to the house boat where the girls are talking about the fact there’s a 2x1 date. Krystal is not shying away from the fact she WANTS to be on that 2x1. The girl loves competition so much she personally wants to be the reason a girl goes home. No other girl wants the 2x1 but like Michael Jordan headed to a Game 7 Krystal just says bring it because she’s going to wreck it. Love you, Krystal.
At dinner Lauren B finally starts talking. What goes from Game of Mutes quickly escalates to Game of Baggage. Lauren B opens up saying she has trust issues. I think she said she’s been engaged which is a cause of it. I didn’t write it down because I was still napping from their date walking the streets of Paris. She then tells Arie because she’s so guarded she’ll put a guy in the friend zone for 6 months before she starts liking him because she can’t trust people. How is that even possible??? You friend zone someone for 6 months and then decide you like them? This needs to be studied more because I’ve never known any female that purposefully friend zones guys she has any interest in. The friend zone is the kiss of death for guys. Especially with a girl like Lauren B because every dude in the world is hitting on her. No way you’re coming out of the friend zone with Lauren B.
Unphased by the possibility of being friend zoned Arie decides to trump her baggage with even bigger baggage. Arie drops the bomb he was living with some girl who had two kids of her own and Arie impregnated her. At that point someone should have ran in clearing the table next to them of the dishes and plopped baggage on it. Arie just told Lauren B he was living with a girl who had two kids and Arie impregnated her too. The only thing missing there was a record scratch. Did anyone know this? Why didn’t he bring this up when Chelsea was talking about getting her ass kicked to the curb? Arie reaches for some cheese or something and non chalantly tells Lauren B that she lost the child. He was off racing so she called him to tell him it happened and she wouldn’t be there when he got back and she wasn’t. So, anyhow, how was this fish, Lauren? More wine? I really do think these people get so caught up in each other they forget the cameras are there to put this baggage on WORLD WIDE TELEVISION!!
Arie and Lauren then chat some more. Lauren is trying to open up but it’s hard to top the bags already sitting on the table. Arie grabs the rose and looks at Lauren. Realizing how smoking hot she is he asks if she’ll accept this rose. She agrees and all is well despite having time where they didn’t talk and a dinner where they lugged out their heaviest baggage. All is well in the world of Arie and Lauren B.
The group date other than the setting was pretty uneventful. Moulin Rouge was an AMAZING setting for any kind of date. Every girl was just giddy and great sports about the performing aspect. Pretty amazing there was no drama. At the dinner before the evening show Arie basically does an interview program where he sits each girl down on the same couch and has conversation before making out with them. Seriously. Same setting with every girl. Seinne continues to show why she’s way better than Arie and most mortal men. Girl has it going on. It comes time for the rose and it really seemed like Tia would get it but Arie decides to give to Bekah M. It was such a beautiful daddy/daughter moment. Bekah M was so ecstatic she was going to get to the share the stage of Molin Rouge with the grey-haired man that takes her places she’s never been. Probably the best moment of the group date was the faces of the girls watching Arie and his daughter Bekah M on the stage. There was not one ounce of enjoyment as those girls looked upon the stage. The other great moment was Arie butchering the French lip sync on stage but I’d do the exact same so can’t say much.
The 2x1 date card comes and “somehow” Krystal gets it. I say “somehow” because I’m pretty sure someone handed it directly to Krystal and told her she had to read it. Krystal does not disappoint as she opens it referencing it’s the 2x1 date. Kendall and Jaqueline are just shaking waiting on the names. Krystal says Kendall and then gives a really long pause and then says “Me” with a devious smile staring Kendall down. I mean staring her down like Michael Jordan staring down an opponent before a Game 7 indicating she had NO shot of winning. It looked like Kendall was really shaking. Lauren B then tells us, “I think Krystal is up to something.” No shit, Lauren B. I thought you’d been here the whole time like the rest of the us but maybe not.
If you’re reading this you’ve seen the episode so you know what happens. This whole date reminded me of a quarter mile race which is one lap around the track. Krystal comes out of the gate in a full out sprint while Kendall stumbles at the starting line. Krystal is totally playing mind games with her body language to Kendall and it appears to be working. Krystal somehow wins the stupid maze contest while Kendall flounders. It looks like the race was over before it even started. Krystal is halfway through the race and Kendall has done a quarter of it yet.
Krystal gets the first alone time with Arie and they sound like two college kids trying to have a deep conversation. They’re trying to make it sound like they have this really deep connection which other than meeting his parents (still such a dumbass thing to do) they have ZERO connection. Arie thinks she’s hot and Krystal loves to compete so outside of that there’s nothing there as we’re seeing. They talk about their “difficulties” and Krystal says she’s sorry. Arie’s train of thought over the apology is this – “She’s apologizing, she’s hot, and we’re so gonna kiss.” They have their kiss they both knew they had to say words to justify.
After the kiss Krystal decides to talk bad about Kendall. I mean she’s halfway through the race with an insurmountable lead but she starts show boating. While Krystal is telling Arie all these things like Kendall isn’t ready for a relationship Arie has a look of utter confusion. He’s confused why Krystal is even worried about Kendall at this point. In his head he’s trying to figure out Krystal’s hot/crazy quotient while thinking, “The makeup sex with her has to be AMAZING.”
Kendall gets her time and Arie mentions to her what Krystal said. Just when you think Arie is taking a step forward getting better at this game he pulls this moronic stuff. Couldn’t he just question Kendall directly without mentioning this is coming from Krystal? It makes for better television he does it but there’s no need to mention the other girl. He’s clueless sometimes. During this talk we realize Kendall may have stumbled coming out of the gate but girl has her stride going. She’s got a LONG way to catch Krystal but she’s not quitting. She’s going to put forth maximum effort to win. She could have walked off the track defeated since Krystal had such a big lead but Kendall came here to compete and now showing off her stride.
Kendall goes back to where Krystal is while the producers distract Arie so he doesn’t go screw up television gold. The smile on Krystal’s face was priceless because Krystal thinks she has this thing in the bag. She doesn’t see Kendall behind her in full stride now coming for her. Kendall shows Krystal those full strides just laying it on Krystal. I mean just flat out laying reality on Krystal. Kendall is poised and focused just telling Krystal what a terrible person she is but in a beautiful way. Krystal is clueless just sitting there like a puppy dog that doesn’t understand English. Krystal just has a tilted head and smirk because she can’t process the words Kendall is saying. She’s starting to lay off the throttle looking to slide across the finish line with minimal effort she’s so confident.
Arie comes in and EVERYBODY assumes Krystal is getting the rose. Nobody thinks Kendall has a chance but you can tell Arie has some much hesitation with Krystal. Arie tells the girls he’s going to hold off giving the rose to either of them as he needs more time. It’s at this moment everybody realizes Kendall may in fact pull this off. Kendall gives a look like she’s the one operating on the different level. Kendall is full of confidence because she’s gaining ground with every step knowing she has a chance to win this thing.
We hit dinner and Krystal starts talking. She says so much with so little because she’s fake and clueless. Meanwhile Arie is sucking down wine like crazy because he doesn’t know what to say. He’s just sad the reality of makeup sex with Krystal is never going to happen. After coming back with Kendall which we saw none of we all realize Kendall is coming yards away from the finish and Krystal has no clue she’s right behind her with a full head of steam. Arie grabs the rose and tells the girls he tried to use logic. Come on Arie, just admit in the end you realized Krystal’s looks couldn’t overcome her crazy and that’s the only “logic” you used.
He then asks Kendall if she’ll accept the rose and that’s when we realize KENDALL MOTHER EFFIN SLAYED THE KRYSTAL DRAGON!!!! Kendall used her brain to overcome Krystal’s body. There’s not a woman alive that shouldn’t want to be in Kendall’s shoes in that moment. Kendall pulled off the impossible defeating hot and crazy with poise and focus. This really is one of the most amazing defeats in the history of competition. Women should review this game footage for decades and take notes. After stumbling Kendall didn’t quit finding her stride zooming past a celebrating Krystal before the finish line. Just a victory for the ages. There needs to be a Wikipedia page for Kendall beats Krystal. I’m serious. Is there an email I can send something to and get it started?
Arie then grabs Kendall and gets the eff out of there because he knows Krystal could explode. And by explode I mean grab sharp objects and kill people. Seriously. Arie didn’t say or touch Krystal and just walked on because he knew what could happen if they didn’t depart the area immediately. Dueces, Krystal. We have got to go!
We then get the footage of Krystal assessing the situation. Even though she’s 29 Krystal has officially entered the 30’s Vortex. She’s going to spend a long time in there I’m afraid. Krystal is shocked this happened and completely confused how. I mean she had this thing won. She actually says she feels abandoned which I kind of feel sorry for her but not really because she brought all of this on herself. She then tells us she’s not ever weak and that’s just how it is. I was a little disappointed because I wanted more out of Krystal but I hope they’re saving everything for the Women Tell All. I think everyone ganging up on Krystal could be some real television gold. The only disappointing thing is they didn’t show Kendall coming back to the house boat the winner. I’m sure the other girls high fived and hugged her like crazy. Kendall slayed the Krystal dragon. Unreal.
Next up is Jaqueline for her one on one. Arie shows up in a cute red convertible and it promptly breaks down. Surely that’s staged so Arie doesn’t have to drive in Paris. Arie takes Jaqueline shopping and while the outfit she picked for the date was cute she has a MAJOR upgrade in her dress. That was one of those you don’t know if the same girl that went in is the same girl that came out. They head to a nice place for dinner and when walking Arie says, “What period could this be?” about something in the restaurant. Does Arie know ANY period in Paris other than the one he’s experiencing?
They sit down for dinner and there’s some major anxiousness on both sides. They finally admit there’s some uncertainty as Jaqueline says she’s nervous. Aries says, “Don’t be nervous” and kisses her. Seriously. A little smooch from Arie’s lips is like a shot of whiskey to calm you down. They start talking again and Arie seems like he’s getting better at this conversation stuff. Along the way Arie tells her he kind of feels intimated by her because she’s so smart. Jaqueline says and I quote, “Why wouldn’t you think you would gravitate to someone intelligent?” Clearly Jaqueline hasn’t been privy to the conversations he’s been having with other girls like us. Once she sees those her question will be answered. The have some pretty good conversation explaining lifestyle concerns they have for each other as Jaqueline plans on 6 more years of school. Arie will be in a retirement home by then so I get their concern. Bekah M will still be TWO years away from 30 in six years. Seriously.
Arie then goes to grab the rose and chooses words that are utterly confusing. It sounds like he’s not able to give it to her but then asks if she would accept it. Jaqueline like the rest of us thinking she’s about to get the boot eagerly accepts. Arie tells her and I quote, “I really really really like you.” Hearing those three “really”s she flips the switch and basically becomes a junior high girl discovering her major crush likes her too. They proceed to make out and then some. Arie gets pretty handsy and if those cameras weren’t on pretty sure that fancy dress falls on the floor. Aries loves it when a plan comes together. I don’t feel like we knew a lot about Jaqueline coming in but after their one on one I really like her. She seems like a solid, smart girl.
The rose ceremony was uneventful because we only had three to give out. It seemed obvious Tia and Becca K would get one. I kind of figured Seinne would get one as when you compare her to Jenna and Chelsea she definitely stands out. With Krystal gone every girl seems like a solid enough girl. Arie’s methods may be in question but if you look at his results at the rose ceremony he’s left himself with a solid group of girls. I know Bekah M is young but if you didn’t know just how young she is you might not guess she’s much younger than the other girls. She’s actually reasonably mature for a 22-year-old on a reality show. Speaking of Bekah M look at her face when Becca K gets in the final rose in the photo above. Is she excited Chelsea is leaving as Chelsea had indicated she’s not really a fan of her age and free spirit? I think she’s excited she gets to stay another week to stay hidden from her mom who apparently thinks she’s working on some weed farm. Oh, kids and their parents. Just wait Arie. This could be you.
After the rose ceremony we see Lauren B talking to someone basically questioning everything that’s going on and why she can’t open up. I don’t know what’s up with her but it amazes me they get girls who are secure enough to go on a show like that but then are insecure in the moment with the person they came there for. I get that show jacks with a person’s mind because it’s not reality but Lauren B is showing some serious issues when Arie has done EVERYTHING he can to show her he has real interest. Based on the previews in the Good Doctor we find she gets another one on one in Tuscany. Yes, I watched the Good Doctor to see the “hidden” preview. The things I do for you people.
More falling in love next week in Tuscany, y’all! Get excited!
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