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Bachelor Episode 5 Recap

Episode 5 begins with everybody heading to Fort Lauderdale which Arie tells us, “Is a great place to fall in love.” Arie could fall in love in a shady Subway if the girl was attractive enough and willing to lock lips. The first one on one goes to Chelsea which is one we’ve all been waiting on. While on the boat Chelsea points out the kind of boat she’d really like which is a very practical boat. Arie says, “I like this one” of the full-blown yacht they’re on with a staff. Another clue Arie really isn’t looking for true love and is hoping for fame and money. Chelsea just wants a normal husband. Good to see a realistic single mother.

They go out on jet skis and Chelsea winds up on Arie’s jet ski where she straddles him and makes out. Best thing you can do with Arie is give him a good straddle make out session. Arie later tells her she was impressive on the jet ski. Good call on the straddle, Chelsea.

At dinner Arie asks about the ex-husband COMPLETELY clueless of how ex-husbands work with a single mother. You can tell he’s worried about competition but Chelsea gives the perfect answer the dude is involved but moved on to another woman. Arie is too dumb to know how it works because he’s been chasing girls in the Vortex. You want a single mother who’s ex-husband is involved because it stabilizes everything with the kids and most importantly he’s a built in babysitter every other weekend. He’s not competition. He’s a free damn babysitter every other weekend so you and your lady can go enjoy life. Single mothers have LOTS of positives in dating and dudes need to learn this starting with Arie. Especially with his gray hair. He should be CLEANING up with the single mothers since he looks mature. Opportunity missed, Arie.

The gold moment of dinner is when Chelsea is telling the story of LITERALLY being kicked to the curb by her ex for another woman. I mean LITERALLY being kicked to the curb as her stuff was in trash bags outside the house. Arie’s response is a deep, “That must have been, like, so tough for you.” Yes Arie. Like so tough. Thanks for the deep response, Captain Obvious. Then they make out.

The group date is at a bowling alley because Arie tells us that’s what you do for fun in Arizona. I thought Arizona offered more but maybe not. The girls get split up into teams and told whoever wins gets time with Arie that night and the losers must stay at the hotel. Krystal is hell bent for winning and her team appears to destroy the other team.

After the competition Arie banishes the losers to some kind of locker/closet for punishment. Looking at the winners Arie realizes he only has half the girls to potentially make out with. He tells the losers they can come to the party as well. If you think it was Arie being nice he wasn’t. Arie just wanted more lips to kiss. More proof Arie isn’t looking for true love and just looking for fun.

This move sets Krystal off because she can’t handle more competition. Krystal flips into total bitch mode and throws a tantrum. Back at the hotel she decides she’s not going to the party. Shockingly the girls ask why rather than say okay and leaver he ass there. I’d dropped deuces and rolled never saying a word to her. The girls get to the party and tell Arie that Krystal isn’t coming and he says, “It’s unfortunate she feels that way.” No Aries it’s not unfortunate she feels that way. It’s who she is. Move on now.

Since Arie is stupid, likes drama, and lives in the Vortex he leaves all the hot girls that want to see him and plays into Krystal’s game. He and Krystal have a conversation that sounds like a high school or college couple despite their ages being 29 and 36. Seriously. It’s a stupid couple discussion they should both be beyond. Arie tells Krystal like a father to a daughter, “Know that I’m not happy about it” for how she’s acting. They hug goodbye with no kiss which is amazing because Arie would kiss a ham sandwich.

He goes back with the other girls and starts individual time. He tells one girl (I forget who because they’re running together) they connect emotionally and then make out. He says words just so he can kiss them. He takes Becca K back up to his room which seems intimate. Becca snuggles him and Arie says, “I want you to ask me everything” and then starts making out with her which doesn’t leave any time for the questions he mentioned. He comes up for air and says, “Kiss the hell out of me” forgetting all about the questions he was wanting. All kiss and no questions.

Krystal comes in all dressed up and Lauren B gets upset. When Krystal is getting to you you’re in a dangerous place. Since Arie isn’t around, Krystal heads back to her room which seems like a total waste of getting ready but Krystal is kind of a total waste. When Arie comes back from private time with Becca K, Lauren B gets her moment.

Lauren B tells Arie she wants to do 21 questions with Arie. On question 2 they’ll be at more depth than any conversation Arie has had with any woman to this point. They get to question 6 and Lauren B says, “Why don’t you just kiss me?” Arie is so relieved he doesn’t have to worry about the other 15 questions and locks lips. Afterwards Lauren B says, “Arie is an amazing person” even though he only answered 6 of the 21 questions. 6 is pretty deep though for Arie so I guess she is getting to his “amazing’ layer.

When it comes time to give the rose to the lucky girl Arie says, “Tonight was a really great night despite all the craziness.” What Arie really wanted to say was, “Dude! I made out with at least six of y’all. And I mean REALLY made out. What a night!” Despite taking Becca K up to his room for private time he gives the rose to Lauren B because they really connected over those 6 questions. If I’m Becca K I’m wondering what’s going on too because private time in his hotel room evidently doesn’t mean anything. Time to start thinking of some questions, girl.

Tia has the other one on one and they go on an airboat ride in the Everglades. When they get to some shack in the swamp with some random dude Tia mentions she’s been frogging. Arie looks at her stunned because he has no clue what frogging is. He probably thinks it’s the video game in real life where Tia is avoiding cars in traffic. They sample some vittles this fella made and then have some alone time on a swing. Arie asks about frogging because he’s so concerned his potential future wife plays in traffic. After Tia explains it Arie’s mind appears at ease. Arie then looks at the airboat and talks about how amazing the engine is. Seriously. He’s got a hot girl on his arm on a swing and he’s talking about mechanical things he is looking at. He’s Brick Tamland from Anchorman. I Love Lamp. After talking about frogs and airboats they make out. Mr. Depth strikes again.

At dinner Tia and Arie start having some in depth conversation. She starts talking about the importance of her faith to which Arie says he kind of questions his faith because he’s lost a lot of friends in his sport. Arie! You raced cars for a “living”! It’s dangerous and people die! Don’t go blaming God for that if you have faith. There’s a reason you wear those helmets and everything else. Bad drivers usually wind up in bad situations. You should have some faith God kept you alive so you’re in this moment to find “true” love! You could be dead like them without faith!

Tia then starts getting deeper. She doesn’t quite tell him she’s falling but Arie says, “I love the fact that you’re here and it’s going really good.” Read that quote again. Read. That. Quote. Again. That’s some depth. Tia tells him she’s falling for him and his response is to kiss her. He then grabs the rose to give her. He says some jibberish before giving it to her that is basically something like, “You be the best you.” Thanks Mr. Depth. At this point I feel it’s just a kissing contest for the final rose and nothing more. I’m not kidding. Other than the six questions the only depth with anything has been Arie’s tongue.

During the Rose Ceremony happy hour Krystal decides to set things straight and tells people, “I wasn’t hiding in my room. I was investing in myself.” WTF does that mean? You’re 29. Just go ahead and step into the Vortex because you’re already there. Investing in yourself? Are you BitKrystal now because I know how that ends up.

We cut to see I think Jenna (the blondes not named Krystal are running together) with a question book. It’s like these girls are taking notes from one another on what really gets to the man. Or maybe the producers have a mole telling these girls. Either way Arie doesn’t wait until the sixth question and starts sucking face after ONE question. Seriously. One question. This man is here to make out and his new rule is one question, one kiss. That’s just the way it is, ladies.

We then cut back to Krystal telling the girls she’s willing to talk to anyone alone. Jenna (I think) jumps right on it and takes Krystal aside and just OWNS her ass with her line of questioning. Krystal has no response to anything. She looks like a confused puppy that didn’t know why she was being punished for peeing on the floor. Tia comes in with her southern charm because she wants a piece of Krystal too. Bekah M gets her moment and straight up asks, “Why are you still here?” to which Krystal doesn’t respond looking like the confused puppy.

We then cut to Arie and Jaqueline. Jaqueline says some stuff that needs subtitles and Arie doesn’t even respond with words. He just straight kisses her and then they both say they have amazing chemistry. I think they’re both confused on what chemistry is but we’ll run with chemistry is locking lips for now.

The meat of the show finally happens with Krystal and Arie getting their individual time. Arie is trying to explain to her why she’s further along even though he hasn’t kissed her in two weeks. He took her to meet his parents on their first date. That makes her further along in Arie’s mind. Okay, buddy. Krystal gets excited and remembers watching him as a child. Seems creepy and forward but this is Arie and Krystal we’re talking about here. Krystal then drops the bomb one of the issues she had today was being in a bowling alley. She tells Arie, “I grew up in a bowling alley and I flashed back to my childhood which was a rough upbringing.” Serious y’all. Those words were said. Bowling alley flashback trauma happened on The Bachelor. Kudos, producers, kudos. Y’all know where the triggers are on these girls.

Arie and Krystal try to have a deep conversation because Arie still wants to tap her hot body but it’s going nowhere. Arie turns on Dad Arie mode trying to scare her straight but it’s not really working. Krystal tells us it was a heavy conversation but it was really Arie just talking to her like a parent. Arie then tells us it’s hard to let Krystal go because she’s already met his family. Um, that’s your dumbass fault for doing that on the first date. Be honest with us you just want to see if Krystal is down with makeup BJs. He’s thinking he’d already be there if these cameras weren’t around.

Hit the Rose Ceremony and once again Krystal gets the final rose. I don’t even know who went home because all we care about is Krystal gets to hang around another week. Luckily the producers know what they’re doing because Arie clearly doesn’t in this glorified kissing contest for a diamond ring. On to Paris next week y’all! I bet it’s an amazing place to fall in love!

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