Don't Let Little Things Become Big Things

The easiest way to describe the difference between a man’s brain and a woman’s brain is that a man’s brain is basically made up of independent boxes while a woman’s brain is a complex bowl of spaghetti in which everything is interconnected. Something in the far back bottom of her brain can immediately be connected to the front top part of her brain even if they’re actually unrelated. In a woman’s brain, it’s possible that EVERYTHING can be connected, even if there’s no actual connection. It’s a fascinating thing, but it’s real, even if the connection of the events isn’t real. That’s just the way it is.

Men, on the other hand, have independent boxes in their brain where two open boxes can be sitting next to each other and have ZERO connectivity. Even if they’re actually connected, it’s very possible that a man won’t connect the two because in his brain they are two independent boxes. A man can separate connected events, which, as you know, is the exact opposite of a woman who connects everything. The most important box a man has is his “Nothing” box. Unlike a woman, a man can actually sit in total silence thinking about nothing at all. It’s impossible for a woman to have the same state of mind because something is always connecting in her brain. If you want to learn more about this, Google “Man Box Brain” and watch the video or click on the first link to read a little more.

Because of these brain differences, something destructive can happen in a relationship. A woman can turn something minor into something that can drive a relationship apart. It doesn’t mean the woman is wrong, as it’s just how her brain is wired. The man on the other hand doesn’t have a brain that can detect this minor event turning into a catastrophic event. There is no anticipation by the man for this event; therefore, when it erupts, he’s COMPLETELY unprepared to respond which makes the event worse. The woman is looking for a response and the man is just sitting in total shock of what is occurring because his brain can’t process what it’s being told. The events aren’t remotely connected in the man’s brain, but in the woman’s brain, they’re completely connected. They’ve turned into a dramatic event from minor events that now require a dramatic response. Meanwhile, the man is just sitting or standing there utterly confused with no response. More drama erupts from the woman while the man becomes more and more confused.

As an example, there was a married couple in couple’s counseling and they were discussing issues. They had already discussed separation and divorce so things weren’t rosy. The counselor asked the question, “If you could change one thing about your spouse what would it be?” The husband went first and said, “I wish she would open up more to me and communicate what’s wrong.” He was trying to understand their issues from the highest level. The wife went next and said, “I wish he’d throw away his magazines by the front door like I’ve told him time and time again.” In the wife’s defense, she had told the husband multiple times to throw away the magazines by the front door he didn’t want to keep. At this very moment though, he had NO CLUE his marriage was partially on the rocks because of some old magazines by the front door. He would have quit bringing magazines into the house if he knew it would put his marriage back on solid footing. In her mind, the magazines were part of a problem where the husband didn’t always listen.

The reality in that scenario is nobody was right or wrong. The male and female brain was just functioning differently. The husband should have thrown away the magazines by the front door as he had been told, but in his mind they were just magazines by the front door. They weren’t that big of a deal. He would have absolutely thrown them away if he realized they were that big of an issue. At the same time the wife could have just thrown them away. The husband likely wouldn’t have even noticed. If he did notice and was told the wife threw them away he would have likely said, “okay,” not thinking about them anymore. As it was, the wife turned the magazines into a bigger issue of the husband not listening. He wasn’t ignoring her requests, he just didn’t see the big deal with some magazines by the door. She saw a much larger deal of a husband that might not have processed as much as she wanted. He was listening, but there was a good chance he had his “Nothing” box out and wasn’t processing anything he detected as a minor issue. Make no mistake, magazines by the front door are no reason to get divorced over. It’s like the story of couples getting divorced over how they squeeze the toothpaste.

It’s not wrong, but the way a female’s brain is wired, a little item can turn into a major item. Men’s brains should absolutely process EVERYTHING a female tells him, but his brain isn’t made that way. His brain operates with completely independent events and doesn’t always process minor things. The man is wrong in that scenario, but the female would do some good to realize that little things should not be blown up into big things. Magazines, toothpaste, and the way laundry is handled shouldn’t be reasons to get a divorce or break up a relationship. They really shouldn’t. There are real issues that should end relationships, not minor issues that bubble up for no reason.

The next time a minor event bubbles up into a major event, take a step back and find compromise. Maybe a simple rule of no magazines in the living room would be a good compromise. Maybe two different tubes of toothpaste would be better than getting upset of how the other squeezed it before you. If laundry isn’t being put in the hamper correctly, maybe a new location for the hamper can be found. Or if it deals with putting laundry away maybe a new way can be established. Relationships are about work and compromise. Neither side is right or wrong; they just see things differently due to how their brains are created. Open communication and willingness to compromise will keep little things from boiling up into major things like a divorce or ending a relationship.

All of this applies in the initial phases of dating as well. Don’t let little things create a reason for not wanting to see a guy you actually like. Establish some trust and patience up front and don’t let little things, like how little he texts or he doesn’t call to set up dates, deter you from moving forward. If he’s making an effort, then be happy for that, even if it’s not the patter you’d prefer. If he’s wearing something you might not have picked for him, that’s okay. There’s PLENTY of time down the road to influence his attire. Give it time to get to know the person under the things that you see. Don’t make big judgements right away on little things you notice. Give it time and the benefit of the doubt. Little things really don’t matter in the grand scheme at any point in a relationship. Make sure to recognize the little things and move on. You’ll both be better off.

Thanks for reading! Now back to the “Nothing” box…