If you’re serious about dating for a long term mate there’s three good questions you should ask yourself and be able to answer a confident “yes” to each:
Do you have an idea of what you want in a long term mate and do you feel that person is truly attainable for you?
Do you really and truly want to get married and share your entire life with that person through bad and not just good?
Is having the attention of just one person the rest of your life really possible for you?
Question 1 – Ideal Mate:
This is a tricky topic because some people have too many factors that nobody can match or some people don’t have any factors and just date aimlessly. The reality is it’s best to be somewhere in between. Have some factors that are important but not too defining. You want to have a guide but not be too firm as you never know when love might find you so you need to be ready to adapt when it does.
If you have too many factors you’ll likely never find that person because you’re too specific. There’s no perfect mate out there for you. The other reality is the person that fits your extensive spreadsheet of factors likely isn’t interested in you or they wind up not being the person that you think they’d be. Your extensive list of factors is likely surface things like their age, name, job, height, hair, eyes, education, location, family, or whatever else it is that you think would make the perfect mate. Those are really just surface things and don’t tell the depth of the person which is what you should ultimately be attracted to and turn you on. Well, unless you’re just a shallow person then surface will matter more than depth.
If you don’t have any factors you’re looking for it’s fine to date but realize you’re just basically shopping with no money. You can try some stuff on to figure out what it is you’re looking for but creating factors is like creating money to buy something. Until you have an idea of what you’re looking for and what you want then you’re just spinning in the Vortex. There’s nothing wrong with that but don’t fool yourself you’re dating to get anywhere if you don’t have an idea of what you want in a long term mate.
The other thing when you’re thinking of what you want in a long term mate is if it’s truly achievable for you. You have to make an honest assessment of not only what you want but what can you attract. Those factors can’t be too far off or you’ll just be spinning your wheels going nowhere living in a fantasy. You also have to put some effort into this as someone isn’t just going to come to you with no effort and no adjustment by you.
One of the best approaches to take is find someone that makes you happy and is interested in you. Eliminate all of the surface things you think you want and give someone a chance that just makes you happy. You should have a few factors you’re looking for but look for someone that’s interested in you and makes the effort towards you and truly makes you happy. True love is a crazy thing and when you open yourself to things beyond every single surface factor you want you might be surprised. At the same time though you do have to have some idea of what you’re looking for so you’re not looking aimlessly.
Identify 3 to 5 things that would truly make you happy in a long term mate and eliminate everything else. When you start to simplify dating rather than complicate it things become easier. Focus on the truly most important factors for you and eliminate everything else to see what you can find.
Question 2 – Why Marriage:
A lot of people get married for all of the wrong reasons. They do it because they think they need to due to family or society pressures. Some get married because they think they need to have a family and marry someone they don’t truly love. For some it’s just a step they take for themselves and no one else hoping it’ll work itself out in the end. It likely won’t.
You shouldn’t get married because you want a prop for pictures to keep up with your friends on social media or the walls in your home. You shouldn’t get married because you’re afraid to go out to eat by yourself. You shouldn’t get married because you need an escort to social events or worried about what someone thinks about why you’re not with someone. You shouldn’t get married because you’re lonely. You shouldn’t get married because you don’t know what to do with your free time when you’re not at work.
There’s no perfect marriage but the ideal marriage is to someone that you really and truly want to share the rest of your life with. No matter the circumstances you’d rather be with this person over anyone else the rest of your life. You could both be working minimum wage jobs flipping burgers but you’d still have fun with that person every day of your life. You’re both in it together to make the other person better.
The reality of marriage is there’s going to be bad days and lots of boring days. No matter what Hollywood and social media portray there’s good, boring, and bad days in a marriage. There are way more bad days than you could ever imagine. Boring days kind of tend to be the norm. When you’re spending it with someone you truly want to share your life with it makes it that much more fun. It makes the bad days easier to manage and minimizes the boring days.
Understand marriage is about SHARING your life with someone else. It’s not about just what the other person can do for you or just what you do for them. It’s give and take. It’s work and sacrifice. It’s not always easy but if both people are in it for the right reasons it can be more rewarding than anything else in life. If you’re not prepared to SHARE and SACRIFICE your life with someone else then you’re probably truly not ready to get married.
Question 3 – One Person for Eternity:
The rules of marriage have changed slightly where “open” marriages work for some people. If that works for you and your partner then great for both of y’all. No need to read anymore. If you believe in the traditional values of marriage then keep reading.
Marriage is truly about giving yourself to one person for eternity. That means that person will have to hold your attention for the rest of your life. This seems to be getting more difficult where social media, dating sites, and dating apps make it so easy to meet someone or make it feel like the grass is greener on the other side. The reality is it’s not greener. Connectivity has made it easier for short term relationships but made it more difficult for long term relationships because people are always looking over their mate’s shoulder to see what else is out there. Discard and replace is the norm. This is more true in bigger cities where the pool of singles is bigger.
Social media has also made attention a drug because of instant connectivity and feedback from friends or people you don’t even really know but met once at an event and are now “Internet Friends”. For whatever reason their feedback now matters to you when in the past you wouldn’t even remember them. Attention is a strange thing in the current world we live in.
It’s even harder for some attractive people because they become use to this attention. Not all attractive people but a lot of attractive people can become more addicted to attention because they get it more than others. One person for the rest of their life can no longer satisfy them. They’ll become bored with that person and go seek the attention of others.
If you truly want to have a traditional marriage and give yourself to one person for eternity you have to be prepared to break that attention cycle. No one else in the world can matter nearly as much as that one person. Sure you can still get compliments here and there but the attention of that person should matter more than anyone else and satisfy you. If you’re not prepared for that then you’re not prepared for a traditional marriage.
If you think one person will come along one day and make all the possible that is probably a dream. That’s possible but if you’re thriving off attention from multiple places it won’t happen. No one person can overcome all of that attention you’ve placed on yourself. Attention will fade with time as younger people get more attention. You need to be prepared to reduce the attention from yourself before attention reduces itself naturally.
Attention doesn’t last forever. If you’re not truly prepared for the attention of one person for the rest of your life you’re not ready to get married. You also have to realize you must be prepared to give your attention to one person for the rest of your life. If that sounds boring then you’re not ready.